Saturday, October 1, 2011

I've moved!!!

So, I've been having issues with the user friendlyness of blogspot, so I am trying out tumblr. You can now find me at

Monday, September 5, 2011

It gets better

Well, I am back home from a wonderful weekend with the boyfriend.

My last post, wasn't a good time.

Long story short, I had to sit next to a woman on the bus who made a very loud and rude show of how disgusted she was to sit next to me. I literally was sitting on the edge of the seat, mostly in the aisle to avoid touching her since I wanted to be polite as possible, but whenever someone had to come down the aisle to use the restroom she made gagging noises or other rude comments (such as "the world would be a better place if more people would just try anorexia")

After a few hours of this, and feeling alone and miserable and hating myself, I decided to go back over some of my past blog posts and look at the comments. I went to facebook and looked at some messages friends left me, and even a work email where my supervisor was praising my hard work and how glad she was to have me on her team. And it made all the difference.

I know I have mentioned this in passing before, but I have suffered from severe depression for 17 years. For those doing the math, that means it started when I was just 9. I'm actually quite proud of myself, because in the last month this was the second terribly cruel thing someone had said to me that I bounced back from, and stopped myself from going back to a very dark place that I don't wish to see again.

It gets better.

I HATED when therepists told me that.....because it never seemed to. However, I think it's because I assumed they meant people around me would get better.

They don't. Cruel people will always be cruel people. But your mindset gets better.

My journey speaks louder that their cruel words. The fact that they would put so much effort into making someone hate themselves shows how miserable they must be. Really, I just feel bad for them, and I hope things get better for them.

Someone sitting next to me may see me just as a fatass who can't control herself.

Hell, I have had coworkers and other acquaintances even made that assumption of me. But, if had just cried about it then nothing would have changed.

A stranger won't know how much effort and lifestyle changes I have made, or how much weight I have lost, just as I don't know anything about their life. I can't control their opinion, but I can control my own mindset.

For people who I encounter on a regular basis....all I can do is prove them wrong. Eventually they will come around, and I will earn the apology I get. And in the end, I am the stronger person, and they will have hopefully learned a lesson. And even if they don't, I know my own strength and my own achievements, so, the hell with what they think.

"It's not the destination that changes your life, it's the journey that takes you there"

That is so true. If I woke up tomorrow a size 6 I would be elated (and very poor as I bought a new wardrobe) but it wouldn't last. In fact, I would probably be more miserable as I put the weight on again. It's the journey...the lessons I learn, the inner strength I find, and hopefully the friends I will make that will change my life. The destination will just be the perk at the finish line.

Friday, September 2, 2011

feeling terrible

So today is a day my weight loss means nothing. On a bus to go see my love and its im sitting next to someone and I just feel terrible. I feel like such a gross cruel person. I hope the bus clears out some at the first stop. I just feel terrible.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Weigh In!!!

So, I just weighed in...I had been at 365 on July 25, then I went up to 367.8 on August 2nd, however, I had been drinking a TON of water so I'm sticking by the 365.

Just weighed in.....after what I would call a very bad month of eating.....



I am so relieved!

Only 10.8 pounds to go till my year end goal!

weigh in jitters

Ugh....1 day before I weigh nervous!! I'm so tempted to go cheat and weigh right now but I said end of the month and im gonna stick to it!!

Honestly, its been a bad food month, so even 1 pound down (364) would be awesome....state fair...all you can drink margarita and taco bachlorette party, going away weekend for my boyfriend which was a whole weekend of eating out, and a couple of depression binges (although I have been getting in MUCH better control) oh, and one quick stop at mcdonalds after a particularly hellish work day.

So 1 pound would be monumental to me. Heck, even just not gaining weight will make me happy.

Hopefully this weekend when I go to visit the boyfriend we will be bale to get some good outdoors in...aether it be geocaching, disc golf, or some canoeing. He'll, maybe just a long stroll in the woods. I love outside so much, and Houghton, MI is just the most perfect place I have been. Sure, there is a butt ton of snow, but there is so much to do in snow in Milwaukee we just have to drive in it, or -maybe- go sledding. There...they have skiing and ice fishing and hockey and broomball and dog sledding and normal sledding and snowboarding and snowmobiling and ice sculpting and winter carnival and ice skating get the point.

Anymoot...I have to sleep....or at least try. My kitty must detect my nerves since she is kneading my stomach like 'hey momma, I'll help make this smaller'. She just turned 3....but I love the fact she's still all needy kitten. Even the meow.

So, dear readers, what's your favorite winter activity? Or your dream place to live?
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Sunday, August 28, 2011


So, the other day I stopped in at Catherine's Plus Sizes to buy bras, since its the only place that carries my size (54C). As I got out of the car, I became disturbingly aware of my 'walk of shame' whenever I go clothes shopping. I park the car, stare at the words "plus sizes" on the sign, sigh, look around to see if anyone is walking by, wait for people to walk by and then scurry in there, head held down and sighing just before grabbing the door handle. The store gals, who are incredibly nice (and usually large plus size too which is awesome because when I need an opinion I know they understand things I'm worried about) greet me, and I always sheepishly greet them back, ashamed.

It's so dumb, really, but I HATE clothes shopping. Because I always have to get a larger size than last time, or they don't have my size, or they do and it just looks like crap. Tried on a ton of clothes, found a dress that was supercute, but looked terrible on me, but found my bras, and an athletic t-shirt that i adored, although i thought it was too tight, but the cashier swore it looked great, and my mom agreed. I wore it twice, and fell in love with it, and felt very confident in wearing something that I thought was tight but looked great.

I love it so much i went back to buy more today.

And lo and behold, they were having a 40% off all normal price items.

And i saw these super cute shirts that are like 50 bucks a pop that I would have never tried on simply because of the price tag, being afraid of falling in love with them.

But at 40% off.....well, 30 bucks is much more agreeable.

So I tried them on...terrified they were not going to fit and I'd be miserable for yet another wonderful clothes item I can't have because of how gross I am.

For the first time in my life, I took 8 items into the dressing room, tried on 8 items, and loved and bought all 8. 100% win. I usually go in with like 10 items and am lucky if I leave with 1. In fact, there are many more times I have spent 1-2 hours in a store, and left with nothing, than times I have actually purchased clothes. But this......this was new...and exciting, and intoxicating.

Holy crap, what an awesome feeling. I was so ecstatic that I couldn't help but blab to the cashier how much I love these shirts and how excited I was. She probably thought I was crazy, but I don't really care....I just had to tell someone, before I exploded from happiness.

I'm starting to see why shopping is addictive!

Heaven help me (and my wallet) when I am able to wear cute normal size clothes...although the boyfriend will probably die of happiness.....since dresses will be back in my wardrobe, and he's been dying to see me in dresses.

So yeah, it was an empowering day......and I think I effectively just doubled my wardrobe.....I usually have so much trouble finding clothes I like that I wear the same clothes every week for 2 or 3 years straight....I hate clothes shopping that much.

Perhaps this is the start of a wonderful (albeit expensive) new future.

I weigh in again in 3 days.....I'm so nervous!!!!

Saturday, August 27, 2011


So, I was in the car today with my mom and roomie and one of their friends to go do some gambling at potowatomi casino. (It's so pretty! I didn't win :()

Well, we passed by a storefront that had some really cute dresses in it, and it made me know, when I get to my goal weight my bank account is going to hurt super bad....and it got me thinking how weird that was, because I've always been a bit of a tomboy.

I don't know if thats because I've been larger all my life, or if it's actual preference. Think about it, girls clothing is cut short and tight and form fitting. For a larger girl, ESPECIALLY a teenage one, that puts you in an awkward place.

Seriously, as a teenager I owned 1 dress. And it was a little black sport dress, like it had the adidias stripe down the side. God I miss that dress, it was really damn cute!

Anyways, meanwhile, boys had AWESOME clothes when I was a teenage. Giant baggy jeans, big t-shirts or fishnets shirts that drew the attention by the chest and not the stomach. Yes, I was really goth-y too, although I think that had more to do with my music taste. Heck, if I could get away with it now I'd still be really goth-y....except I have a career and they don't make cute goth clothes in my size....grrr...

So I wonder if that helped influence how tomboyish I was. I could play the part of the girl, where weight is ALWAYS being discussed, either the boys love you or you feel like crap and clothes are always tight, or I could be like the guys, have nice big baggy clothes, have weight NEVER come up, and have tons of guy friends who like me (but not in -that- way) (but then I never had to worry about rejection, because it was a moot point) But I don't regret it. I've had some amazing times with my guys, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm starting to come out of that mindset though, mostly from the nudging from my good friend Dani (and much to my mothers joy). But I'll always love taking in a Brewers game, playing video games, and lighting things on fire. And I'll always have some simple, not so girly clothes.

What I miss most is being able to throw on some jeans and a t-shirt. Jeans just don't fit me right. And T-shirts are hard to come by. Although I did find a super cute workout t-shirt by Catherines that I think I'm going to buy like 4 more because they are comfy and look really good.

I opened a bank account, and deposited 100 dollars in it. From here on, I'm going to put 5 dollars in that account every time I lose a pound. Because thinking about clothes got me thinking about how I'm going to need a WHOLE new wardrobe once I get to my goal weight. goal is 250 pounds lost, so that would be.....1250 bucks. That will buy me some really nice duds. (And something sexy from Victoria's Secret....just because I will be able to, haha)

Any other larger women out there lean towards the tomboyish side? Do you think it had any influence from your size? What are your thoughts?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Gross Out

So....I had a really bad food weekend

Saturday was a bachlorette party for a friend. I told myself I wasn't going to worry about food because this is a special occasion.

All you can eat and drink taco and margarita bar.

went a little overboard on the margaritas.

Went way over my calorie goal by like 700 calories. But I rationalized myself out and told myself....dude....thats only 1/5 of a pound....and not even near what the daily calories it takes to maintain my current it's still weight loss, just....slower.

Not sure what happened, but I woke up this morning depressed as shit.

And I binge ate.

Ate a whole personal pan pizza from pizza hut, an order of garlic bread and an order of chocolate dunkers (but no chocolate sauce)

And I felt like shit the whole afternoon. Binge eating when depressed is part of what happened. However, I realized I didn't feel the comfort or satisfaction I used to. I just felt like yuk the rest of the day. And I think that was an important step.

We had BLTs and Salad for dinner, and I was really good. Like, I used to eat 2 or 3 BLTs with extra mayo and no L or T and still nom down another 3 or 4 slices of bacon.

I had 1. With only a little bit of maricle whip and lettuce. No tomato though, still not a huge tomato fan.

I did have 2 extra peices of bacon, but I shared them with my dog. She's my little weight loss buddy lol.

And I made sure to eat my salad first and drank a whole bottle of water, so that I would feel satiated with only only 1 BLT. And I had cantalope for dessert.

Now, usually when i tracked food in the past I always refused to enter the calories. Why? I don't know. Maybe I thought if the food tracker didn't see it then it didn't happen. Maybe I was too ashamed.

Well, not this time. I entered all the calories for yesterday, and everything for today. I was amazed to see though that I only went over today by like 100 calories. So I don't feel as bad....but I feel responsible. Typing in everything I ate made me ashamed of myself. And I think that accountability is good, this feeling terrible is good, and this feeling of having no pleasure in my binge eating is good.

On the crap side, I bought new bras this weekend, and though my band size went from a 56 to a cup size went from a D/DD to a C. CRAPWHATTHEHELL?!?!?!?!?! body is just doing all sorts of pissing me off, lol.

Though i did buy a workout T-Shirt and I'm going to start trying to find a gym or something. I WILL get down to 350 by the end of the year, and I WILL get down to 300 before I turn 27 on June 18, 2012. No ands, ifs or buts about it. I WILL do this.

No more giving up because of a bad day. No more making excuses. Just, progress.

Just a reminder, I am not weighing in until the end of the month. A bad month of eating and I want to give myself a chance to make it right before I get on the scale. That way i can assume the worst and work towards the best, and not sit there obessing over the number as much.

Monday, August 15, 2011

still here!

Im still around...protesting the scale until the end of the month since state fair was here and not so healthy eating during the final weekends with the boyfriend, who moves back to grad school this week :(

Trying to stay positive, although I was reading a post by the wonderful and beautiful skinnie Emmie and I felt my heart break for her hurdles this week. Oddly enough though, I felt inspired. It was refreshing to see that someone I admire so much faces struggles like mine but is such a powerful woman on such a successful journey. It reminds me that its just a hurdle...not a war I lost. Its not a failure, its a chance to find inner strewth and push through and grow from. It reminds me its just one week in the rest of the thousands I will hopefully have in my life.

And that folks, is powerful.

Anymoot, im off to bed! <3
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Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Today has been a bad day from the get go.

Weighing in at 2.8 pounds heavier from last weigh in which im sure can't be right. I've been counting calories meticulously. I did drink a lot of water (like almost 2 liters but that was 3 hours ago) but all I can hear is that voice in my head calling me a disgusting failure.

At work the systems were down so I didn't get as much done as I wanted. My fellow trainer said I did a lot but I didn't meet my own ideal.

Just in general im feeling like crap. Trying to keep a positive mood but really all I want to do is go find some ice cream and just accept that im always going to be fat gross and alienated.

I feel so.....I dunno. Why am I even bothering to write any of this out? I think I'll just go to sleep. Maybe when I wake up things will be better.

Someday in the 20 years I've been telling myself that it's gotta be true.
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

testing, 1,2,3 just how smart is this phone?
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Monday, July 25, 2011

more coherent thoughts

Ok, so the buzz has worn down a little from my weigh in.

I've been using's daily plate app to track calories. Cost 2.99 and also have a website. Works great, have no complaints.

However, as you can see by my little tracker, I'm trying something different. Found a free tracker and app through myfitness pal. Want to experiment more because it has a barcode scanner for food packages. Don't know how well it will work, but we'll see.

Having a weird moment of nostalgia. Maybe it was just a commercial for outdoor adventures followed by an ad for six flags great america or what.

Warning folks, this is about to get all stupid female personal and sappy and shit. It's not meant as a pity party, honest. Just thoughts on my mind.

So I had my first boyfriend at 14. I was with him for almost 4 years. We were engaged, although not like a lets celebrate kind of engaged. More like he gave me a fake gold ring that he put nail polish in so it wouldn't stain my finger and we had the plans all set to run across state lines together until he went and ran off the day we were supposed to go with another girl. But I digress. Anyways, I had been teased my whole life about being fat. This guy used to tell me I was too fat and that's why he cheated on me repeatedly. He also had a bad habit of hitting me and calling me a fat pig. Being older now, I don't know why I stayed, other than fear. I believed whole heartily that nobody could love me, and that I was too fat and ugly. The sad part? Here's a pic of me at 14:

I can only dream of looking like that again.

Thing is, it wasn't just that boyfriend. I was also in varsity swim. My mom always told me she thought it was so amusing, because first off, in competitive swimming, you have to wear a suit 2 sizes too small. It helps streamline you. Without fail, I'd come out to the block, and you could see and hear the other girls make comments. They'd talk about how easy they were going to smoke me. Or ask if it was a joke.

And then I'd smoke them. By over a full body length. It was awesome. My best memory was a girl who came up to me literally, and told me to my face that I should do the spectators a favor and drop out, because I was going to make people sick with my fat. I beat her by 45 seconds in the 500 free. That is a LOT to beat somebody by.

I swam the 500 freestyle and the 50 fly.

The reason i think of all of this is the perception. In high school, I looked awesome compared to now. Yet now, people tell me all the time I'm not fat. All I can do is look at them like "seriously? I mean, are you friggen blind?" Where were these people before everything spiraled out of control? Is it just an age thing? Have the times changed? Or have I gotten so thick skinned I don't even notice the mean people anymore?

Funny thing is I know I have grown a higher tolerance to mean people. But not my weight. People who are jerks, I just brush off. I'm used to people calling names in malls, or saying mean things when I walk my dog in my mom's neighborhood. Yet, the very few times in the last 4 years I have talked candidly about my weight, I've burst into tears. Once was about 3 years ago, when my boyfriend and his father were going canoeing, and his mom pulled me aside to gently explain that his father wouldn't take me canoeing because I was too large for his canoes and he feared for my safety, as well as the possibility of damaging the canoes.

This wasn't mean. In fact, it was very mature, and a very valid reason. His canoes are NICE. And by nice, I mean holyshitbeautiful. And also all wood, with seats that attach into the side of the canoe. Meaning if a seat broke, it would ruin the canoe, and I could get hurt if it capsized.

But that was one of the single most humiliating moments of my life. It was at that point I dropped a lot of money on tests to find out what was wrong with me and even tried a few diet pills. And nothing worked. So about 2 years later I just gave up for a while. Told myself I just had to resign myself to a life of fatness and disgustingness.

I even tried to break up with my boyfriend, numerous times. Because I felt like I was just holding him back, and that he deserved someone better than me. Someone who could keep up with him, and even keep up for a shortwhile with his dad. Someone more like his sister-in-laws and not like his ex girlfriend who his parents hated.

Lucky for me, my boyfriend is somewhat accustomed to know when someone is just in a depressive stage, and so he refused to agree that we were breaking up.

Then, I started up again. This time, without pills or expensive doctors.

Then my dad got sick. Every pound of the 17 pounds I lost I gained back, and I was back hovering around my highest weight, between 382 and 385 lbs.

In March I started an internship as a call center trainer. A job I have wanted since 2007. I started to realize that I wanted to look better, because people do tend to take fat people less seriously, and a lot of times morbidly obese people are passed over for promotions. Granted, I felt pride in how far I had gone int he company and liked the fact that I knew I had earned everything I had accomplished and it wasn't just because I was "hot". But, I started watching what i ate, although not too hardcore. This time I lost some weight, but it still kinda went up and down.

In June, I applied for my dream job. I also found out part of said dream job could involve travel. International travel in fact. And I sat down and had a very frank conversation with a good friend and coworker, and who was a trainer at the time. And I found myself fighting the tears, but I just cried, even thinking about it. the topic was the fact that the training manager is on the other side of the country, and I realized I had to be fair and tell her I was morbidly obese because it would look bad on me if I dropped that on them last minute when buying plan tickets.

That email was the hardest email i have ever written in my life. After I sent it, I literally cried myself to sleep that night.

Now, I'm trying to let go of those parts of my past. And I'm trying to look to the future. I was reading today's blog by Skinny Emmie about looking at the big picture, and it's inspired me. She put into words some of the emotions that I have had but that I can't put nearly as beautifully.

So I'm looking forward to whats ahead.

Like canoeing. And bicycling. And skiing.
Like being able to go on carnival rides and rollercoasters without fear of not fitting.

That's one thing I love about my boyfriend. He loves amusement parks. And I can't wait for the adventures we will have when I can do that again.

We went on the ferris wheel at navy pier in the fall, and I think he thought I was going crazy, because i could not stop giggling. I had not been on any sort of ride in over 5 years at that point. I was ecstatic, even though it was just a ferris wheel.

When i feel like shit, all i have to do is look at this picture to feel better:

Its the greatest two sensations for me at once....riding a ride and kissing my boyfriend, lol.

The adventure is just beginning....

Not to mention it would be really nice to be able to wear a tank top next summer. Stupid heat waves suck!



Down 20 pounds!!!!!

Holy SHIT!!!!

My goal is to be down to 350 by end of year.....I think I might even exceed that!

Under 300 by my 27th B-day.

Might even be able to canoe next summer!

I'm so excited!!!

Not much more substantial to say really, pretty tired. Mouth still hurts like hell.

But yay!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Stupid Carcinogenic Ball of DOOM!

So it's hot here. Morbidly Obese + heat = not happy.

Decided to do a weigh in, dreading the scale seeing as I had a weekend with the boyfriend that included 2 days of great eating and one day of movie theater popcorn and non diet soda. It's a weakness of mine.

Also had Toppers Gyro Pizza and Topperstix today. Those things are like crack.

So, I wasn't expecting much.


-2.4 pounds from last week

-18 pounds from my highest weight


Monday, July 11, 2011

Day Early weigh in

since tomorrow I'm going by my mom's house, I decided to do my weigh in tonight.



Also discovered PB2 by Bell Plantation. OMGOODNESSS awesome. I am a peanut butter nut. And peanut butter is high in calories. a tasty substitute.

Getting a smart phone on thursday, and already planning to buy my calorie tracking app through livestrong. The calorie counter is pretty nifty, and helps keep me accountable.

Going down to the boyfriends on Friday. ALL the family is going to be there, so I'm a little nervous. But realizing I am down 15.6 pounds from my highest weight is an amazing feeling.

I don't remember any time in my life that I lost more than 5 pounds before gaining 10 more. It's weird feeling. Like, I just want to tell everyone, expect I know I'm just going to look like a raving lunatic, or "great, you lost 15 pounds, what about the other 230 shamu??"

but blah on them. blah blah blah.

It's beddybai time

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Protest against the scale

So after my last post, and my aggrivation at the scale, I decided to boycott it until after 3 major 'holidays' for me.

One was my 26th Birthday on June 18th. It was met with a lot of booze. I know lots of booze means lots of empty calories, but damnit, sometimes I just want to be immature and trashed.

The next was July 1st, my little brother's 22nd birthday. Again, lots of booze. Also was the end of a very stressful week at work and right after a very nerve wracking interview for a position I am dying to get. Wanted to unwind. Part of this weight loss is telling myself I won't deny myself 100% of the time.

Then the 4th of July. And although I tried to be good and made a very healthy fruit salad and made turkey dogs, I'm not about to say no to delicious food.

I've been good and trying to drink diet soda, and trying to be more open minded. Drinking a lot of tea and water. Also trying to eat more salads and light fare at work so I can enjoy home-cooking by my mom and roommate.

One of my challenges is that they mostly cook, and I hate to inconvenience people for me. I also don't want to lose the social aspect of family dinner each night. So I compromise. I eat very light at work so I can have a somewhat heavy dinner. I have also started cooking one night a week and I try and make salads for everyone to enjoy. So far it's working well. Granted I may not lose the weight as quickly, but I think long term it will be better because I don't feel like I'm sacrificing myself or distancing myself.

So before these holidays I told myself I would be happy as long as I didn't GAIN any weight since my last weigh in. For those keeping track it was 375.8

And the weight as of about 10 minutes ago......


Not much lost, but the fact I managed to lose any weight after 2.5 drinking binges and 2 tasty cookouts is a triumph for me.

Also found a T-shirt yesterday that I bought almost a year ago as a 'someday this will fit' (it was a yearly convention shirt so I really only had that chance to buy it)

Now, I have done this before, and NEVER, EVER has that 'someday' come.

Until yesterday!

I stretched it out a tad since it felt a little snug, and I probably wouldn't have work it had it not been laundry day but hey I did it.

I also have baskets full of "these clothes no longer fit but someday they will again" which again, has NEVER happened to me, and one of the recently (within the last year) shirts I put in there is back in my "wearable" pile.

Again, it still fits a little too close to comfort, but to me, being 2 sizes too big is comfort so a lot of it is probably in my head.

but yeah, so i guess that would be a non-scale victory. hit 350 before the end of the year. Only 24.4 pounds away!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

2 weeks away

Urg, the scale doesn't like me tonight.

375.8 WTF?

I'm trying not to get all bent out of shape though, because I ate really really late tonight and I drank almost a gallon of water today, mostly in the afternoon, so that's probebly screwing with the amount. And looking at my food tracker I've been pretty high on sodium lately. I'm going to try and eat normal tomorrow and re-weigh when I'm not freshly full from dinner and chugging water like a camel. And also try to cut the sodium levels a little since I'm sure thats not helping.

Probably have not lost that much, but I'm not upset. It's been a rough few weeks, been busy at work and it's been HOT as all getout meaning I'm drinking ALOT and probably retaining water.

Found my new go-to lunch stuff. Turkey and Xtreme Wellness wraps. They stay nice and soft until lunch and are only 71 calories. That with a bit of fat free cream cheese ends up being about 160 calories a wrap. Meaning on extra hungry days I can make two and not feel like crap.

Also discovered Silk Almond milk. I spent a good year strictly vegetarian thinking it would lead to weight loss (note to fat self, just because cheetos, reeses PB cups and mountain dew are vegetarian does not make them a healthy meal!) But as a result, I'm pretty open to trying health and vegan foods. So when I heard about the almond milk and only 60 calories a glass all I could think was "OOOH ITS LIKE ALMOND JOY IN A CUP!!!!"

Ok, so it wasn't that awesome, but I really liked the taste of it with a salad with light vinegarette dressing, I think the sourness of the dressing really made the almond taste pop.

So my mom and my roommate each bought generic magic bullets, the little personal blenders. I've been good. Went out and got nonfat chocolate frozen yogurt rather than 2% milk and chocolate syrup. But I LOVE peanut butter. But it's high in calories and I can't find PB protein power in non health food stores.

[as a side rant, I hate health food stores. Everytime i go in one I get the inevitable "Oh, some desperate fatty thinks we're going to have a magic pill to solve her" OR, they just outright greet me at the door and offer to show me where the diet pills are. NOT AMUSED.]

Plus a lot of them are high calories which I don't want. And they taste funny. Not like real peanut butter. Someone at work mentioned peanut flour which they used to sell at trader joes, since they are on atkins and loved it. But now they don't make it. However, I found a place online that sells dehydrated PB. A ton less calories and a few blogs have given decent ratings. So I ordered some samples.

Almond Milk+FF frozen chocolate yogurt+ Dehydrated PB = OH HELL YES *does the fatty dance*

yeah. It's like giving the middle finger to my diet without actually being "bad" mwahahahah

Me= 1 Obesity = lets not mention the number, shall we?

Now mind you, I am NOT doing the Atkins diet. I loves me my carbs. However, I am aware there are a lot of empty calories in carbs, and so I like to keep my options open and find new tasty things. I've seen it work wonders for some. For me, it just led to horrible binges on carbs. So I just try and keep things fresh.

But so I've had some cool food finds these last 2 weeks.

Birthday is on Saturday. Wanted to be to 350 by then. Kinda upset with myself. But, I'm going to force myself to get over it. Changing my habits is more important than a quick fix.

I can't stop thinking about that peanut butter now. And I just found a place that has PB+raspberry jam dehydrated. heehheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeee......

Or, I can go have some more water and go to sleep. My credit card will probebly thank me.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Alas. . .

Well, trip plans are a no go....but I think that jumpstart has really helped motivate me and get me started. Weighed in today...



Even went out to Red Robin today with my mom for my free birthday burger. Had a nummy grilled chicken sandwich with teriyaki, grilled pineapple, lettuce, and parmesan cheese. I did my homework on it beforehand, and usually it weighs in at 900 calories because of 2 slices swiss cheese and mayo. But really, there is so much going on with that burger that the mayo is not needed. And the parmesan cheese really brings out a more distinct flavor with wayyyyy less calories. 494 versus 900, much nicer. And tastes just as awesome.

Plus, I found out now that you can get healthy sides, like steamed broccoli at no extra charge. So thats awesome. Granted, I got the steak fries, but I ate REALLY well today at work (under 300 calories total) so I felt after a tough week I deserved to splurge a little. And man was it tasty. I don't think I've ever appreciated their fries as much as I did tonight.

So yeah, rough week, lots of rough things that I dealt with, but I still kept on track, so thats my little victory of the day.

Anywhooo, I think I go sleepy now. I is tired.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

holiday victory

So, due to reasons I can't disclose yet, I might be taking a long. VERY long plane trip soon. And not on my dime. But it gave me a mini crisis....because I would be flying alone. And since it's not my buck, probably economy. So I freaked out just a little when I realized I won't have my wonderful boyfriend to lift the armrest up and enroach on a little. And my fat butt is no way fitting into a 17 inch prison.

So I kicked it up big time. Been counting calories, and trying to cut a lot of carbs (even though I love my carbs, and I tried the Atkins and lets just say it failed. Miserably. Have friends it has worked amazing not one of them)

So I went to the boyfriends this weekend. And we didn;t get out much due to storms and spent a lot of time sitting around geeking out with games and watching the Science Channel. (How it's Made is so freaken awesome!)

And then I came home to go to a cookout and had tasty smores.

I left for the boyfriends at 378. Weighed myself when I got home aaaannnnnddddd.....(dum dum dummmmmmm!)



So I'm happy. It's nice to know I can still enjoy treats in moderation and yet still lose weight. And being so careful with eating, although a pain in the ASS, does make me appreciate the treats more.

Also, Ballpark white turkey hot dogs are awesome. and only 45 calories. That with a light hot dog bun is only 125 calories. Less than one normal hot dog with no bun. So yeah....that makes me happy. Also means I can make cute Bentos with hot dog flowers and not feel so bad :)

On that note. going to bed. House is starting to cool down so I'm gonna sleep while I'm still comfortable.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Off day/week/year/life

So I got to looking at the calander and realized I'm going to be 26 soon. Which is hard for me. I know this is stupid and silly, and I'm so young and blah blah blah....but when I was young, I was bullied. Really bad. Like, beat up, hair cut, kids glued me to the chair, told me my dead pets were ground up in the school lunch, and called every single metaphor for fat and nerdy that 7-13 year olds can come up with. I always told myself that when I was 25, my life was going to be so different, and that everything was going to be great.

I don't know why I chose 25. I didnt have any family members at that age, it just seemed right. I told myself that by then I'd be an animal trainer and a wonderful wife and a great mommy and I'd have an awesome house and an african grey parrot. Oh, and I'd be beautiful and skinny and have really pretty long hair. So in short, this is what 13 year old me saw as "25" (please note my seriously overactive imagination)

Instead, this is what 25 really looks like:

I don't know why, but it's just seriously messing with my head. Like, my 13 year old self was just look at me and be like "OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!"

Ok, so probably not. 13 year old me would never say to my face, she'd just write depressing emo poetry. So it would be more like:

I see the pages of tomorrow
and she's stolen away from me
So many things so beautiful
until she wrecked my dream

Oh yeah, I still got it. Haha. Anymoot. So i dunno, just feeling down. Feel like nothing is every going to change. I'm sure in a day or two the funk will fade. Started when I was reading about Six Flags. And just realized how much I miss things like roller coasters and not being afraid of not fitting on a ride. Miss canoeing so bad I just break into tears thinking about it.

Yeah, I know, it took a long time to get this way and it will take a long time to fix. But today, I just look at the long road and feel so helpless. I know, I've got a lot of things to be thankful for, I'm not that much of an emo conceited you-know-what. I have a good job, despite only having a high school diploma. I have an amazing boyfriend. I've been there for a lot of friends and I'm reliable.

But reliable doesn't make me look good in shorts and a tank top. And today, I'm feeling kinda petty. It'll pass, I know...just felt like writing it out, maybe reading my own words will snap me out of it, I dunno.

Oh, 379.4 today. Down a little, but not really. The gym near my house with the pool is now closed due to construction so I'm trying to find another reliable place to swim that I would actually go to and that works with my hours, so hopefully that will be productive. We'll see.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Totally not weight related but.....

I've decided when I have a home of my own again, I am going to spend a LOT of money at Hirst Arts. This is why:

I just had a geekgasm. Also a creaftgasm. And of course, I'm about to head out the door to go do my weekly D&D game, so these gasms are not going to subside. GAH!!!!!!!!!

Also, my sweetie is on blogger now....Omnigamer. It's a blog all about geeky stuff, particularly D&D.

Anymoot, gotta run! Hopefully a more substantial post tonight....maybe..

Monday, April 4, 2011

Weigh In

So, I decided to just say forget it and weight myself. 380.4. WTF? That's the exact weight I was at the end of January.

I suppose I should be happy, as crazy and unhealthy as my life turned after dad got sick, that I haven't gained weight. Ugh.

*sigh* tommorrow is another day. Wish the weather would warm up a little.

I know there are a zillion things I need to do, but I just feel so discouraged all of the time. All I ever do is fail myself, and it's hard to break that mentality.

For now, I think I just need to drink a bunch of water and sleep. Maybe that will make me feel better.

New Layout

So I decided to pay with layouts, what do ya think?

Figured the all black was getting kind emo-ish.

Had a salad for lunch. Then chocolate cake. Better than pizza and cake though, amiright?

Not much to report. Body is trying to kill me. Really wish biology would set up monthly email notifications on fertility. Because really, this whole bleeding crap is really stone age. I mean, geebus, get with the times science!!!!!

Yeah, not in the best of moods. But I'm watching tangled, and it's really cute. And I have two adorable babies snuggling with me <3

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Ah Storms...

So, I apologize in advance, but this is going to be my first attempt at adding pictures on my blog, so I hope it doesn't get all crazy....

So we had storms today. Big time. And it hailed, which was pretty cool.

Funny thing is, I have two adorable kitties (and my roomate has 3 but that's a story for another time) Here they are:

The stripey one is Gizmo, who is my nearly 4 year old boy. He's a loveable snuggly teddybear who thinks he is a dog.

The white and black kitty is Widget, who is 2.5 years old and my little baby girl. She is terrified of thunderstorms, to the point of it being pathetically adorable. See exhibit a:

This is the point where she was just hiding behind the bathroom door. That opens inwards. She's cute, but not very bright.

Then of course she sees me, which leads to exhibit b, as I am trying to use my laptop:

Finally, we come to an agreement, and I make her a hidey hole under a towel:

I love her, but I can not figure out what led to this terror. When it was just me and the boyfriend, she was fine in our apartment with storms. Upon him moving to Michigan for grad school and me moving in with my mom's best friend (and current roommate) she became terrified. Maybe it's just a missing daddy issue, I don't know. Someday I will have to get video of her, because she runs in a hilarious fashion and she drools like a puppy. Like I said, it's adorable in a completely pathetic way.

I still havent gotten on the scale again. I think I am going to wait like a week. And try to be really good this week, so hopefully the damage won't be as bad as I fear. I was going to just use my webcam and take a picture, but I feel icky today, so instead I'm going to post a different picture. (warning ahead of time, I am terribly guilty of myspace angles. I know I have double chins, but for some reason i still have this psycho obsession with trying to hide that obvious fact...though I have gotten a little better about it...)

Ok, so this is cheating. This is me, but it was an awesome photo done by my very talented photogrpher friend TJ, of Pendragon Photography. Feel free to google him, though some of his works are a little, aheam, riskque. He does a lot of awesome fantasy inspired work too, but I adore this man. First time he took a picture of me was this photo here and when he emailed it to me I was like....."Oh my god, TJ, you have got to be f*&ken kidding me....this isn't me!!!" He's taken a few other photos of me, that maybe when I have a bit more courage I'll post, but I figured I should put some sort of face to the name and hey, might as well make the best first impression I can, lol.

Anyway, I should probebly get going. Start training a new class tommorrow so I want to get good sleep and get myself all psyched up. Plus, the little pathetic furball I have probebly wants to hide and Gizmo is sitting in front of my laptop meowing at me, telling me "mooooooooooooommmmmmm, it's bedddttiiiiiiiime.....what the helllllllllllll?"

Friday, April 1, 2011

Random Musings

So, in the effort to really try blogging and sticking to it (don't feel bad, my diary is just as jumpy with dates, ha) I figure I'm going to try talking about things other then weight loss, who I am not on speaking terms with at the moment since weight loss is a cruel mistress that plots to keep me away from delicious girl scout crack. I mean, cookies. Nope, I was probably right the first time.

Anymoot, than my weight.

Kind of odd, to think of myself without that in the picture.

So what do I do? Well, I work in a call center for company called FIS. I started out there doing very much entry level simple calls, moved up into a floor support role, moved up as a regular agent in a more advanced department, moved up to floor support there (and also cross trained and helped in 3 other departments) and now recently was accepted as a trainer intern for training our new agents. Today marked the end of my first official class. And it was weird, because I felt this odd sense of proudness for them. I mean, I know as an agent I helped our customers and that important, but all in all, a customer service rep doesn't do much to change a life.'s weird to think I may have been the first step towards a long and successful career for someone. And it's an amazingly rewarding feeling. Granted, I think I have gotten more of a workout at work in the last week then I have of my four years total at FIS, but it's a good kind of exhausted, so I guess I'm kinda proud of myself today for that.

Outside of work, I love gaming. I am a HUGE geek (no pun intended) (ok maybe a little one) I love gaming in all sorts of forms, whether its computer, tabletop, Magic: the Gathering, video gaming, arcade games or LARPing. It also feeds another addiction of mine...crafty stuff.

I LOVE crafts. I love creating. I used to run a small business doing chainmaille armor jewelry and toys. Not like chain letters, like the rings woven together to make armor back in medieval times. I also paint miniatures for gaming. Growing up, I was fortunate enough to have a mother addicted to crafting, so I started young. Even though right now I'm living in a bedroom the size of most small dorm rooms, I still manage to have a room overflowing with projects I never get to finish. Maybe I should make a goal of getting some of these projects finished. Its not for a lack of want, it's moreso a lack of time and space.

I also love the outdoors. At one point I drive for an hour and a half outside of Milwaukee to go camping for one night, just to have to come back the next afternoon as I had work early the next day. But it was totally worth it. I miss canoeing, and it's hard because my awesome boyfriend has a very well off father who loves canoeing and he has some BEAUTIFUL canoes.....but they are high quality, which means they have rather low weight limits. Someday though, someday...

I love renaissance faires, and am fortunate enough that the Bristol Renaissance Faire is not too far from Milwaukee, in good old Kenosha. I love corsets, but with my proportions they look kinda bad since my stomach kinda kills most of the chest amperage goodness. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a jouster.

I also love animals. If I'm going to blog a lot more you are probably going to hear endless stories of my two kitties, who are like kids to me, Gizmo and Widget. I actually have a very old youtube channel with some videos of Gizmo when he was a baby and my old cat Jynx....pretty terrible quality, but fun. I'm hoping to do more videos...just not with me in them, lol.

So yeah, in a nutshell I guess that's me. Hopefully I will post more. Maybe even take some inspiration from my good friend Zuko (her blog, Zooskie is in my list to the left) and make some pictures. Though, drawing is not my strong suit, my trainees have informed me I make some awesome stick figure art :)


Thursday, March 17, 2011

See....the thing flakka?

So, I'm not very good with blogs. Not very good with weight loss either. But, I am AWESOME at procrastinating, haha.

So, my dad FINALLY came home from the hospital, and is doing phenomenally. Got a training position internship at work, which although I am terrified of public speaking, I am finding I feel a lot better about myself.

Still haven't joined a gym. Mostly, lack of motivation, and my own stubbornness knowing I'll be too chicken shit to go to a gym with all the skinny pretty girls and all the hot buff guys who might look upon me and throw up a little. Yeah, I'm also pretty good with my imagination too....

I haven't weighed myself, and seeing as I am visiting my bf in Illinois tomorrow, I don't think I'm going to, because I doubt I have lost anything, and don't feel like starting the weekend on a down note.

I've been thinking a lot about food lately and diets. Yes, I could go an list all these foods I'm allowed and not allowed, but I have always told myself I never want to be the sterotypical girl who goes out for dinner and gets water and a salad. I'm a carnivore, taters and veggie kinda girl. Salad is not dinner. Maybe lunch if I'm feeling particularly vengeful towards vegetables that afternoon. But not dinner. As a dinner side, sure.

Plus, I hate lettuce. Seriously, its just so.........iiiick to me. I tolerate it, for the other tasty things in salads. Like cucumbers and mushrooms.

I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make here. Anyways, I think my brain is fried from teaching today, so I'm gonna go. Just wanted to check in an let any visitors know I'm still alive and very buoyant still. Seeya!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Soooooo Tired

So, it's been a hectic two weeks. First off, just got my approved timecard and realized I have over 30 hours in overtime in the last two weeks. But I have a gaming convention coming up soon with my sweetie so that means more money for more geeky goodness. :-)

I also bought a kindle, and so far I adore it. I even made a nifty 'hitchhikers guide to the galaxy' cover for it.

So my dad has been kinda sick since the new year. I'm 25. He's 74. However about 2 weeks ago he wasn't able to walk anymore, wasn't eating, couldn't even use his hands or anything. So, my mother had to call an ambulance and we were worried about ALS, since most of the men in. His family had it. To say I had a few mental breakdowns was putting it mildly. I even found myself praying..which is odd. Typically, I follow my fathers theory on religion...there is a higher power out there, so don't be a dick, but whoever they are, they don't need to hear you whining to them about every little thing, especially since most of it you can do yourself.

Luckily, it is not ALS. My dad has had gout his whole life. We found out he stopped taking his meds 6 months ago. The specialist who came in said it was the worst gout attack she has seen in her over 30 years of practice. They pulled over 40 cubic centimeters of fluid out of one knee joint alone. They have him in a nursing home/home rehab until he can walk again, since my parents house and a wheelchair are not an option...yay little polish houses.

Due to this, and a Lot of back and forth to the hospital and rehab has made my eating habits kinda suck. But I've been pretty good at work.

I haven't been weighing myself lately, but I know in the last 6 months my high has been 384.2 and my low has been 376.0

So I jumped on the scale today. I have gained some weight, which is depressing, but I'm trying to keep things in have 2 major holidays and then this happen has been a lot, on top of a ton of work hours. It could have been worse. I meant to join Ballys but the cheap offer they made expired about a week after the crap with my dad I'm going to have to wait until the next one. Luckily, they are pretty persistant.

I suppose I should start tracking my measurements too...but maybe I'll wait. I can't even believe I'm posting my weight online.

Anymoot, I suppose I should stop blogging and go get some stuff done, seeing as we're about to be hit by a snowpocolypse :-) perhaps next year I'll be able to's an exciting thought...

- Posted from my iCrack...please forgive misspellings or words that make no sense due to the retarded AUTOCORRECT (I assure you, I am the daughter of a navyman, not a waterfowl enthusiast )

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Starting over

So, I am against new years resolutions. Nobody keeps them. But, with it being a new's time for a change.

One of these things is to be more positive. Too often I get onto negativity, and I have an irritating mental issue known as bipolar, and seasonal afflictive disorder. However, I refuse to use either as an excuse. If I don't use it as an excuse for work, then why even look at it as a crutch in real life. I know bipolar people who fall back on it...and I can't let myself go there. Part of my religion (which can most accuratly described as an odd mix of Christian-Druid) is that I don't harm others. And letting my mental afflictions run rampart can hurt others. I've watched it happen to others, and it's heartbreaking.

So, I've deleted my old posts, except for my 50 goals list. Maybe having more positivity will garner me more friends....but I'm going to stop caring about that, I hope. I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up for lack of support. This road isn't going to be easy and it's unfair to expect anyone to follow around with this fight.

I might try to cuss less....but that's on my lower priority...swear words don't hurt anyone...and George Carlin is amazing....ironically, my father was at the summerfest show in Milwaukee when he was arrested onstage for doing the 7 things routine...

I'm joining a gym...since it's time for a change, and I need to stop caring about people staring at me. Just crank the music and tune them out.

Any suggestions for music? I like a little of everything so I'm open for any good suggestions...

- Posted from my iCrack...please forgive misspellings or words that make no sense due to the retarded AUTOCORRECT (I assure you, I am the daughter of a navyman, not a waterfowl enthusiast )