Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Weigh In!!!

So, I just weighed in...I had been at 365 on July 25, then I went up to 367.8 on August 2nd, however, I had been drinking a TON of water so I'm sticking by the 365.

Just weighed in.....after what I would call a very bad month of eating.....



I am so relieved!

Only 10.8 pounds to go till my year end goal!

weigh in jitters

Ugh....1 day before I weigh nervous!! I'm so tempted to go cheat and weigh right now but I said end of the month and im gonna stick to it!!

Honestly, its been a bad food month, so even 1 pound down (364) would be awesome....state fair...all you can drink margarita and taco bachlorette party, going away weekend for my boyfriend which was a whole weekend of eating out, and a couple of depression binges (although I have been getting in MUCH better control) oh, and one quick stop at mcdonalds after a particularly hellish work day.

So 1 pound would be monumental to me. Heck, even just not gaining weight will make me happy.

Hopefully this weekend when I go to visit the boyfriend we will be bale to get some good outdoors in...aether it be geocaching, disc golf, or some canoeing. He'll, maybe just a long stroll in the woods. I love outside so much, and Houghton, MI is just the most perfect place I have been. Sure, there is a butt ton of snow, but there is so much to do in snow in Milwaukee we just have to drive in it, or -maybe- go sledding. There...they have skiing and ice fishing and hockey and broomball and dog sledding and normal sledding and snowboarding and snowmobiling and ice sculpting and winter carnival and ice skating get the point.

Anymoot...I have to sleep....or at least try. My kitty must detect my nerves since she is kneading my stomach like 'hey momma, I'll help make this smaller'. She just turned 3....but I love the fact she's still all needy kitten. Even the meow.

So, dear readers, what's your favorite winter activity? Or your dream place to live?
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Sunday, August 28, 2011


So, the other day I stopped in at Catherine's Plus Sizes to buy bras, since its the only place that carries my size (54C). As I got out of the car, I became disturbingly aware of my 'walk of shame' whenever I go clothes shopping. I park the car, stare at the words "plus sizes" on the sign, sigh, look around to see if anyone is walking by, wait for people to walk by and then scurry in there, head held down and sighing just before grabbing the door handle. The store gals, who are incredibly nice (and usually large plus size too which is awesome because when I need an opinion I know they understand things I'm worried about) greet me, and I always sheepishly greet them back, ashamed.

It's so dumb, really, but I HATE clothes shopping. Because I always have to get a larger size than last time, or they don't have my size, or they do and it just looks like crap. Tried on a ton of clothes, found a dress that was supercute, but looked terrible on me, but found my bras, and an athletic t-shirt that i adored, although i thought it was too tight, but the cashier swore it looked great, and my mom agreed. I wore it twice, and fell in love with it, and felt very confident in wearing something that I thought was tight but looked great.

I love it so much i went back to buy more today.

And lo and behold, they were having a 40% off all normal price items.

And i saw these super cute shirts that are like 50 bucks a pop that I would have never tried on simply because of the price tag, being afraid of falling in love with them.

But at 40% off.....well, 30 bucks is much more agreeable.

So I tried them on...terrified they were not going to fit and I'd be miserable for yet another wonderful clothes item I can't have because of how gross I am.

For the first time in my life, I took 8 items into the dressing room, tried on 8 items, and loved and bought all 8. 100% win. I usually go in with like 10 items and am lucky if I leave with 1. In fact, there are many more times I have spent 1-2 hours in a store, and left with nothing, than times I have actually purchased clothes. But this......this was new...and exciting, and intoxicating.

Holy crap, what an awesome feeling. I was so ecstatic that I couldn't help but blab to the cashier how much I love these shirts and how excited I was. She probably thought I was crazy, but I don't really care....I just had to tell someone, before I exploded from happiness.

I'm starting to see why shopping is addictive!

Heaven help me (and my wallet) when I am able to wear cute normal size clothes...although the boyfriend will probably die of happiness.....since dresses will be back in my wardrobe, and he's been dying to see me in dresses.

So yeah, it was an empowering day......and I think I effectively just doubled my wardrobe.....I usually have so much trouble finding clothes I like that I wear the same clothes every week for 2 or 3 years straight....I hate clothes shopping that much.

Perhaps this is the start of a wonderful (albeit expensive) new future.

I weigh in again in 3 days.....I'm so nervous!!!!

Saturday, August 27, 2011


So, I was in the car today with my mom and roomie and one of their friends to go do some gambling at potowatomi casino. (It's so pretty! I didn't win :()

Well, we passed by a storefront that had some really cute dresses in it, and it made me know, when I get to my goal weight my bank account is going to hurt super bad....and it got me thinking how weird that was, because I've always been a bit of a tomboy.

I don't know if thats because I've been larger all my life, or if it's actual preference. Think about it, girls clothing is cut short and tight and form fitting. For a larger girl, ESPECIALLY a teenage one, that puts you in an awkward place.

Seriously, as a teenager I owned 1 dress. And it was a little black sport dress, like it had the adidias stripe down the side. God I miss that dress, it was really damn cute!

Anyways, meanwhile, boys had AWESOME clothes when I was a teenage. Giant baggy jeans, big t-shirts or fishnets shirts that drew the attention by the chest and not the stomach. Yes, I was really goth-y too, although I think that had more to do with my music taste. Heck, if I could get away with it now I'd still be really goth-y....except I have a career and they don't make cute goth clothes in my size....grrr...

So I wonder if that helped influence how tomboyish I was. I could play the part of the girl, where weight is ALWAYS being discussed, either the boys love you or you feel like crap and clothes are always tight, or I could be like the guys, have nice big baggy clothes, have weight NEVER come up, and have tons of guy friends who like me (but not in -that- way) (but then I never had to worry about rejection, because it was a moot point) But I don't regret it. I've had some amazing times with my guys, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm starting to come out of that mindset though, mostly from the nudging from my good friend Dani (and much to my mothers joy). But I'll always love taking in a Brewers game, playing video games, and lighting things on fire. And I'll always have some simple, not so girly clothes.

What I miss most is being able to throw on some jeans and a t-shirt. Jeans just don't fit me right. And T-shirts are hard to come by. Although I did find a super cute workout t-shirt by Catherines that I think I'm going to buy like 4 more because they are comfy and look really good.

I opened a bank account, and deposited 100 dollars in it. From here on, I'm going to put 5 dollars in that account every time I lose a pound. Because thinking about clothes got me thinking about how I'm going to need a WHOLE new wardrobe once I get to my goal weight. goal is 250 pounds lost, so that would be.....1250 bucks. That will buy me some really nice duds. (And something sexy from Victoria's Secret....just because I will be able to, haha)

Any other larger women out there lean towards the tomboyish side? Do you think it had any influence from your size? What are your thoughts?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Gross Out

So....I had a really bad food weekend

Saturday was a bachlorette party for a friend. I told myself I wasn't going to worry about food because this is a special occasion.

All you can eat and drink taco and margarita bar.

went a little overboard on the margaritas.

Went way over my calorie goal by like 700 calories. But I rationalized myself out and told myself....dude....thats only 1/5 of a pound....and not even near what the daily calories it takes to maintain my current it's still weight loss, just....slower.

Not sure what happened, but I woke up this morning depressed as shit.

And I binge ate.

Ate a whole personal pan pizza from pizza hut, an order of garlic bread and an order of chocolate dunkers (but no chocolate sauce)

And I felt like shit the whole afternoon. Binge eating when depressed is part of what happened. However, I realized I didn't feel the comfort or satisfaction I used to. I just felt like yuk the rest of the day. And I think that was an important step.

We had BLTs and Salad for dinner, and I was really good. Like, I used to eat 2 or 3 BLTs with extra mayo and no L or T and still nom down another 3 or 4 slices of bacon.

I had 1. With only a little bit of maricle whip and lettuce. No tomato though, still not a huge tomato fan.

I did have 2 extra peices of bacon, but I shared them with my dog. She's my little weight loss buddy lol.

And I made sure to eat my salad first and drank a whole bottle of water, so that I would feel satiated with only only 1 BLT. And I had cantalope for dessert.

Now, usually when i tracked food in the past I always refused to enter the calories. Why? I don't know. Maybe I thought if the food tracker didn't see it then it didn't happen. Maybe I was too ashamed.

Well, not this time. I entered all the calories for yesterday, and everything for today. I was amazed to see though that I only went over today by like 100 calories. So I don't feel as bad....but I feel responsible. Typing in everything I ate made me ashamed of myself. And I think that accountability is good, this feeling terrible is good, and this feeling of having no pleasure in my binge eating is good.

On the crap side, I bought new bras this weekend, and though my band size went from a 56 to a cup size went from a D/DD to a C. CRAPWHATTHEHELL?!?!?!?!?! body is just doing all sorts of pissing me off, lol.

Though i did buy a workout T-Shirt and I'm going to start trying to find a gym or something. I WILL get down to 350 by the end of the year, and I WILL get down to 300 before I turn 27 on June 18, 2012. No ands, ifs or buts about it. I WILL do this.

No more giving up because of a bad day. No more making excuses. Just, progress.

Just a reminder, I am not weighing in until the end of the month. A bad month of eating and I want to give myself a chance to make it right before I get on the scale. That way i can assume the worst and work towards the best, and not sit there obessing over the number as much.

Monday, August 15, 2011

still here!

Im still around...protesting the scale until the end of the month since state fair was here and not so healthy eating during the final weekends with the boyfriend, who moves back to grad school this week :(

Trying to stay positive, although I was reading a post by the wonderful and beautiful skinnie Emmie and I felt my heart break for her hurdles this week. Oddly enough though, I felt inspired. It was refreshing to see that someone I admire so much faces struggles like mine but is such a powerful woman on such a successful journey. It reminds me that its just a hurdle...not a war I lost. Its not a failure, its a chance to find inner strewth and push through and grow from. It reminds me its just one week in the rest of the thousands I will hopefully have in my life.

And that folks, is powerful.

Anymoot, im off to bed! <3
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Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Today has been a bad day from the get go.

Weighing in at 2.8 pounds heavier from last weigh in which im sure can't be right. I've been counting calories meticulously. I did drink a lot of water (like almost 2 liters but that was 3 hours ago) but all I can hear is that voice in my head calling me a disgusting failure.

At work the systems were down so I didn't get as much done as I wanted. My fellow trainer said I did a lot but I didn't meet my own ideal.

Just in general im feeling like crap. Trying to keep a positive mood but really all I want to do is go find some ice cream and just accept that im always going to be fat gross and alienated.

I feel so.....I dunno. Why am I even bothering to write any of this out? I think I'll just go to sleep. Maybe when I wake up things will be better.

Someday in the 20 years I've been telling myself that it's gotta be true.
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