Friday, January 6, 2012


Not sure why, but I'm having a really rough week.
The BF went home, I was sick, and today I have a migraine.

BF talked about weight loss, and pointed out just how much volume fat is. About the same as butter. Now, I know I should be looking and seeing "Holy Crap girl, you just lost the equivalent of 38 boxes of butter!"

But I'm just not feeling it. Instead, it's "Holy crap, you've lost 38 boxes of butter but nobody notices because you still have 212 boxes all over you"

I guess I'm having my doubts. I mean, yeah, my boyfriend is super supportive, but he's biased. Of course he's not going to tell me how fat and ugly I am. That would be detrimental to his own benefits of this relationship.

I'm not sure right now why I even started a blog. I mean, I thought it was to be accountable, except nobody reads this thing. So it's about the same as writing in a notebook. I'm not sure why I thought I could do the social thing, when really I'm kinda inept at entertaining people or socializing. Of all my failures, being an antisocial hermit is one thing I am awesome at.

I dunno, I guess I'm just lonely. My roommate is going to Hawaii for 2 weeks which means a house alone for 2 weeks. Which I should be excited for, but I'm not. Frankly, 2 weeks alone in an empty house kinda terrifies the crap out of me. I lived alone for about a year in my old apartment, and I had 3 locks on the door and slept with a sword, baseball bat, and a metal bullwhip next to my bed. Maybe I watch too much CSI.

I have a facebook, a twitter, a tumblr, a blogspot, a smartphone, and technically a myspace profile (even though I never go there anymore). Yet somehow, I feel lonelier than ever. When I was a teenager, I used stupid drama bullshit to get attention. Then, one day I decided to grow up, and that negative attention wasn't worth it. I thought it would make me a better person, make my life more fulfilling and healthy.

Somehow, I think 16 year old me is silently trolling this, laughing at me and telling me was a pathetic noob I am.

Sometimes, I think she might be right.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I'm Back!

Ok, so Tumblr wasn't much better to me, so I'm coming back here.

Quick updates on my last weigh ins...
(My Year End goal was 350.....then next goal is 300 by June 18th, my 27th B-day)

October- 353.8
November- 348.6 (Woo year end goal met)


SO proud of myself for not gaining weigh in December during the holidays!

to recop my life over the last few months...

Needless to say the end of the year sucked. That job as a Call Center Trainer, a career I worked hard and dreamt of? Yeah, the company decided it was no longer a position they needed, and that supervisors could train for us. So we all got fired.

However, I was lucky in that my ex-supervisor really wanted me on her team, so she offered me a position as a Team Leader. And I do the training. So same job, but with some extra responsibilities stacked on. Oh, and a huge fricken pay cut.

Not mad at my new team though. It’s a good team. I had the offer to walk away with a crappy severance, but I decided to just stick it out. I’m a firm believer of everything happening for a reason. That, and I truly do love my coworkers. Sure there are the petty backstabby office politico ones, but for the most part they are really cool people, and fun to work with. They have been amazing with welcoming me to the team and it's nice to have people see me and express how happy they are to see me back here and how much they appreciate having me on the team.

Yes, yes, in this economy I know I should be thankful I had a choice. And I am, trust me I am. However, I still have a right to be bitter and angry and pissed off. I don’t take it out on my team, and I know my anger is directed towards a bunch of high paid suits who don’t know who I am and don’t give a shit about me. But it’s the stages of grief I guess. It’s hard to walk past the empty desks of my former team. It’s hard to sit there and do the same thing I loved but for less pay and even more work to do, and a lot less freedom to do things on my own. It’s an adjustment. I’ll live, and I’ll grow and I’ll learn things.

BUT, I didn’t binge eat. For me, thats a huge accomplishment.

I've pretty much adjusted. I had a 10 day vacation this last week and I go back to work tomorrow. My last class was finished the last day before vacation so this is my first official day as just a Team Lead. I'm a little scared to be honest.

My boyfriend passed his graduate classes with straight AB's all the way which I am SO proud of him for. For any of you not familiar with a PhD program, it's like regular college classes except a LOT harder, and you need a solid B to pass. Anything less that a B is failure. Also you have to juggle research and everything on top of the classes. He got off to a tough start, getting a few BC's in classes which really hurt his moral so for him to finish with AB's across the board is really a huge accomplishment, and I admire him greatly for his perseverance. However, he put on like 20 lbs so we've resolved to do this journey together, despite the long distance. It's comforting to know once we can live together again that we will be in this together.