So I got to looking at the calander and realized I'm going to be 26 soon. Which is hard for me. I know this is stupid and silly, and I'm so young and blah blah blah....but when I was young, I was bullied. Really bad. Like, beat up, hair cut, kids glued me to the chair, told me my dead pets were ground up in the school lunch, and called every single metaphor for fat and nerdy that 7-13 year olds can come up with. I always told myself that when I was 25, my life was going to be so different, and that everything was going to be great.
I don't know why I chose 25. I didnt have any family members at that age, it just seemed right. I told myself that by then I'd be an animal trainer and a wonderful wife and a great mommy and I'd have an awesome house and an african grey parrot. Oh, and I'd be beautiful and skinny and have really pretty long hair. So in short, this is what 13 year old me saw as "25" (please note my seriously overactive imagination)
Instead, this is what 25 really looks like:
I don't know why, but it's just seriously messing with my head. Like, my 13 year old self was just look at me and be like "OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!"
Ok, so probably not. 13 year old me would never say to my face, she'd just write depressing emo poetry. So it would be more like:
I see the pages of tomorrow
and she's stolen away from me
So many things so beautiful
until she wrecked my dream
Oh yeah, I still got it. Haha. Anymoot. So i dunno, just feeling down. Feel like nothing is every going to change. I'm sure in a day or two the funk will fade. Started when I was reading about Six Flags. And just realized how much I miss things like roller coasters and not being afraid of not fitting on a ride. Miss canoeing so bad I just break into tears thinking about it.
Yeah, I know, it took a long time to get this way and it will take a long time to fix. But today, I just look at the long road and feel so helpless. I know, I've got a lot of things to be thankful for, I'm not that much of an emo conceited you-know-what. I have a good job, despite only having a high school diploma. I have an amazing boyfriend. I've been there for a lot of friends and I'm reliable.
But reliable doesn't make me look good in shorts and a tank top. And today, I'm feeling kinda petty. It'll pass, I know...just felt like writing it out, maybe reading my own words will snap me out of it, I dunno.
Oh, 379.4 today. Down a little, but not really. The gym near my house with the pool is now closed due to construction so I'm trying to find another reliable place to swim that I would actually go to and that works with my hours, so hopefully that will be productive. We'll see.