Monday, September 5, 2011

It gets better

Well, I am back home from a wonderful weekend with the boyfriend.

My last post, wasn't a good time.

Long story short, I had to sit next to a woman on the bus who made a very loud and rude show of how disgusted she was to sit next to me. I literally was sitting on the edge of the seat, mostly in the aisle to avoid touching her since I wanted to be polite as possible, but whenever someone had to come down the aisle to use the restroom she made gagging noises or other rude comments (such as "the world would be a better place if more people would just try anorexia")

After a few hours of this, and feeling alone and miserable and hating myself, I decided to go back over some of my past blog posts and look at the comments. I went to facebook and looked at some messages friends left me, and even a work email where my supervisor was praising my hard work and how glad she was to have me on her team. And it made all the difference.

I know I have mentioned this in passing before, but I have suffered from severe depression for 17 years. For those doing the math, that means it started when I was just 9. I'm actually quite proud of myself, because in the last month this was the second terribly cruel thing someone had said to me that I bounced back from, and stopped myself from going back to a very dark place that I don't wish to see again.

It gets better.

I HATED when therepists told me that.....because it never seemed to. However, I think it's because I assumed they meant people around me would get better.

They don't. Cruel people will always be cruel people. But your mindset gets better.

My journey speaks louder that their cruel words. The fact that they would put so much effort into making someone hate themselves shows how miserable they must be. Really, I just feel bad for them, and I hope things get better for them.

Someone sitting next to me may see me just as a fatass who can't control herself.

Hell, I have had coworkers and other acquaintances even made that assumption of me. But, if had just cried about it then nothing would have changed.

A stranger won't know how much effort and lifestyle changes I have made, or how much weight I have lost, just as I don't know anything about their life. I can't control their opinion, but I can control my own mindset.

For people who I encounter on a regular basis....all I can do is prove them wrong. Eventually they will come around, and I will earn the apology I get. And in the end, I am the stronger person, and they will have hopefully learned a lesson. And even if they don't, I know my own strength and my own achievements, so, the hell with what they think.

"It's not the destination that changes your life, it's the journey that takes you there"

That is so true. If I woke up tomorrow a size 6 I would be elated (and very poor as I bought a new wardrobe) but it wouldn't last. In fact, I would probably be more miserable as I put the weight on again. It's the journey...the lessons I learn, the inner strength I find, and hopefully the friends I will make that will change my life. The destination will just be the perk at the finish line.

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