Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Someday, I will be a success story.

Someday, my story and my progress will give hope and inspiration, like so many have given me.

Someday, I will not be ashamed of my weight.

Someday, I will not be ashamed of the mirror.

Someday, I will be able to do everything I want, without fear of my size.

Today is not that day.

But someday, it will be!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Hi, my name is Gen and

I am fat.
Yes, I'm surprised you thought I wasn't aware of that.
I could give you a few dozen sob stories of why this is, and many of them would be valid. However, it comes down to a simple fact.

When I was younger, I went through some terrible things, and reacted by developing an addiction to eating. It happens to many people. The choices I made years ago have had a long lasting impact on me. It's terrible. But it's the past.

Yes, I am aware how ridiculous I look on the elliptical next to a woman 1/3 of my size. Yes, I'm aware that my 2.5 mph on the treadmill is nothing compared to the 5mph you are doing, and that you sound like you are running on air while I sound like a drunk elephant stumbling down the freeway.

But that doesn't matter, because I am trying. My 2.5mph is a hell of a lot faster than everyone sitting on the couch.

You are free to make your own opinion of me. However, your logic fails me. If the sight of me is so disgusting and offensive to you, then why make it so obvious? I mean, ok, you break me down and I go eat out McDonalds and a tub of ice cream, but how will that help you? That would just make me even more offensive to look at, wouldn't it?

Sure, I'm not sexy, or even attractive. But I'm also engaged. Hell, I oftentimes think my fiance has got to have some sort of terribly mental deficiency to even want to be seen with me. Even if I did look great in a tube top and pants, it's not like it would stir the odds in your favor anyways. Yes, I am aware I look stupid when I am dancing and lipping the song on my iPod while wiping down the machine. Hey, at least I'm being sanitary....

But that's because you will never understand. You will never understand what it's like to know that a year ago you weighed 395 pounds, and a year later doing 45 minutes on an elliptical when a single flight of stairs used to leave you out of breath. You will never know the joy to look at that workout summary and know that you are accomplishing something that nobody on this planet thought you could actually do at your size. You will never know the surge of hope and optimism you have about yourself after that single workout, when that morning you sobbed in the shower for 15 minutes because you felt so hopeless.

Yes, I am well aware how disgusting all my sweat is. But for me, it's single drops of progress dripping out of every pore. I will not be ashamed of my sweat. Because my sweat symbolizes what I will become. What I have done, and what I can continue to do. Yes, I am sorry you saw a tiny hint of buttcrack for less than a second when my shirt caught on the side rail of the treadmill. But I'm not sorry it happened. When I bought the shirt, it was almost too snug to comfortably wear, and the pants fit my waist like yoga pants. The fact they can fall down to my buttcrack is a matter of pride. Besides, would you rather be subjected to butt cleavage for a second, or for cottage cheese hotpants for an hour? It's all about perspective.

Don't worry, you are far from the first person to look down on me. You are far from the first person to judge me based on my size. Many people have come before you, and many were people I love and respect. So you have a nice big group you are a member of. And don't worry about the obvious snide comments you were dying to make, they've already been made, so it's not like you would be terribly original.

You can keep your labels, I have no use for them.

...besides, they don't stick to sweat anyways, so you'd just be wasting the paper.

C'mon dude, think of the trees....

Sunday, July 1, 2012

July weigh in!!!

So I'm down to about a year to my wedding!

Last month......348.2
This morning......345.6

Loss of......2.6 lbs

Way lower than I wanted, and I'm confused.....my work opened a gym, and I've been going 3x a week. First time, I did the treadmill for 33 mins....and did 1 mile in 32 mins
A week later, I was down to 26 mins to a mile
This last week, I got down to 22 mins a mile

Also, I started out doing just treadmill
Then treadmill and 10 mins biking
Then treadmill and 10 mins biking, 5 min elliptical
Then treadmill and 5 min biking, 10 mins elliptical

So I know I have been improving, and I have been eating very well, yet I feel a little hopeless. 

As of June 18th I became 27
As of June 29th, my fiance and I became homeowners
In 25 days, I will be unemployed for the first time since I became legal to work (14)
In 36 days, I will be leaving the city I have lived in my entire life, leaving my entire family, friends, career, everything.

In 377 days I will no longer have the name I had for 28 years at that point, as I will take my husbands name.

Hopefully, in 377 days I will no longer even recognize the girl in the mirror.

I am hoping to really step up the exercise and diet once I move. It will be a struggle. But I have to do it. We want to do Disney World for our honeymoon and I will NOT be mortified and be too fat to ride. I LOVE roller coasters, but I haven't been on one in a decade, because I got kicked off one due to size and have been terrified to go since. A few years ago, my fiancee took me to Navy Pier and we went on the giant ferris wheel. Going on a ride again was exhilarating. I was giggling and so happy I almost cried. I want to feel that again.

The other day, I played DDR, another thing I hadn't done in nearly a decade. I was sweating, I was dying, but I did it. I live for this feeling now, this freeing feeling, this feeling that I am breaking out of chains.

Hopefully this will get better and better and I will feel this more often.