Monday, July 25, 2011

more coherent thoughts

Ok, so the buzz has worn down a little from my weigh in.

I've been using's daily plate app to track calories. Cost 2.99 and also have a website. Works great, have no complaints.

However, as you can see by my little tracker, I'm trying something different. Found a free tracker and app through myfitness pal. Want to experiment more because it has a barcode scanner for food packages. Don't know how well it will work, but we'll see.

Having a weird moment of nostalgia. Maybe it was just a commercial for outdoor adventures followed by an ad for six flags great america or what.

Warning folks, this is about to get all stupid female personal and sappy and shit. It's not meant as a pity party, honest. Just thoughts on my mind.

So I had my first boyfriend at 14. I was with him for almost 4 years. We were engaged, although not like a lets celebrate kind of engaged. More like he gave me a fake gold ring that he put nail polish in so it wouldn't stain my finger and we had the plans all set to run across state lines together until he went and ran off the day we were supposed to go with another girl. But I digress. Anyways, I had been teased my whole life about being fat. This guy used to tell me I was too fat and that's why he cheated on me repeatedly. He also had a bad habit of hitting me and calling me a fat pig. Being older now, I don't know why I stayed, other than fear. I believed whole heartily that nobody could love me, and that I was too fat and ugly. The sad part? Here's a pic of me at 14:

I can only dream of looking like that again.

Thing is, it wasn't just that boyfriend. I was also in varsity swim. My mom always told me she thought it was so amusing, because first off, in competitive swimming, you have to wear a suit 2 sizes too small. It helps streamline you. Without fail, I'd come out to the block, and you could see and hear the other girls make comments. They'd talk about how easy they were going to smoke me. Or ask if it was a joke.

And then I'd smoke them. By over a full body length. It was awesome. My best memory was a girl who came up to me literally, and told me to my face that I should do the spectators a favor and drop out, because I was going to make people sick with my fat. I beat her by 45 seconds in the 500 free. That is a LOT to beat somebody by.

I swam the 500 freestyle and the 50 fly.

The reason i think of all of this is the perception. In high school, I looked awesome compared to now. Yet now, people tell me all the time I'm not fat. All I can do is look at them like "seriously? I mean, are you friggen blind?" Where were these people before everything spiraled out of control? Is it just an age thing? Have the times changed? Or have I gotten so thick skinned I don't even notice the mean people anymore?

Funny thing is I know I have grown a higher tolerance to mean people. But not my weight. People who are jerks, I just brush off. I'm used to people calling names in malls, or saying mean things when I walk my dog in my mom's neighborhood. Yet, the very few times in the last 4 years I have talked candidly about my weight, I've burst into tears. Once was about 3 years ago, when my boyfriend and his father were going canoeing, and his mom pulled me aside to gently explain that his father wouldn't take me canoeing because I was too large for his canoes and he feared for my safety, as well as the possibility of damaging the canoes.

This wasn't mean. In fact, it was very mature, and a very valid reason. His canoes are NICE. And by nice, I mean holyshitbeautiful. And also all wood, with seats that attach into the side of the canoe. Meaning if a seat broke, it would ruin the canoe, and I could get hurt if it capsized.

But that was one of the single most humiliating moments of my life. It was at that point I dropped a lot of money on tests to find out what was wrong with me and even tried a few diet pills. And nothing worked. So about 2 years later I just gave up for a while. Told myself I just had to resign myself to a life of fatness and disgustingness.

I even tried to break up with my boyfriend, numerous times. Because I felt like I was just holding him back, and that he deserved someone better than me. Someone who could keep up with him, and even keep up for a shortwhile with his dad. Someone more like his sister-in-laws and not like his ex girlfriend who his parents hated.

Lucky for me, my boyfriend is somewhat accustomed to know when someone is just in a depressive stage, and so he refused to agree that we were breaking up.

Then, I started up again. This time, without pills or expensive doctors.

Then my dad got sick. Every pound of the 17 pounds I lost I gained back, and I was back hovering around my highest weight, between 382 and 385 lbs.

In March I started an internship as a call center trainer. A job I have wanted since 2007. I started to realize that I wanted to look better, because people do tend to take fat people less seriously, and a lot of times morbidly obese people are passed over for promotions. Granted, I felt pride in how far I had gone int he company and liked the fact that I knew I had earned everything I had accomplished and it wasn't just because I was "hot". But, I started watching what i ate, although not too hardcore. This time I lost some weight, but it still kinda went up and down.

In June, I applied for my dream job. I also found out part of said dream job could involve travel. International travel in fact. And I sat down and had a very frank conversation with a good friend and coworker, and who was a trainer at the time. And I found myself fighting the tears, but I just cried, even thinking about it. the topic was the fact that the training manager is on the other side of the country, and I realized I had to be fair and tell her I was morbidly obese because it would look bad on me if I dropped that on them last minute when buying plan tickets.

That email was the hardest email i have ever written in my life. After I sent it, I literally cried myself to sleep that night.

Now, I'm trying to let go of those parts of my past. And I'm trying to look to the future. I was reading today's blog by Skinny Emmie about looking at the big picture, and it's inspired me. She put into words some of the emotions that I have had but that I can't put nearly as beautifully.

So I'm looking forward to whats ahead.

Like canoeing. And bicycling. And skiing.
Like being able to go on carnival rides and rollercoasters without fear of not fitting.

That's one thing I love about my boyfriend. He loves amusement parks. And I can't wait for the adventures we will have when I can do that again.

We went on the ferris wheel at navy pier in the fall, and I think he thought I was going crazy, because i could not stop giggling. I had not been on any sort of ride in over 5 years at that point. I was ecstatic, even though it was just a ferris wheel.

When i feel like shit, all i have to do is look at this picture to feel better:

Its the greatest two sensations for me at once....riding a ride and kissing my boyfriend, lol.

The adventure is just beginning....

Not to mention it would be really nice to be able to wear a tank top next summer. Stupid heat waves suck!

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