Monday, May 7, 2012


5 days before I leave for LA.

Seriously freaking out.

Mom managed to get me a window seat, which i prefer because then I can crowd the body of the airplane.

My mom is freaking out a little bit too, which doesn't help me at all, since she's usually cool as a cucumber about being a larger woman.

I'm terrified I am going to get kicked off. It's a booked plane, there is no option to buy two seats or a first class seat (even if we COULD afford it, which we can't)

All it takes is one person to complain.

I don't know what I'll do, other than cry like a baby. Other dark things come into my head, but we're not going there.

I'm making myself positively sick over this.

I just don't know if I am smaller, larger, or the same as I was 3 years ago for my fiance's brother's wedding. I didn't weigh myself back then.

I hope smaller. I just couldn't stand the embarrassment.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Revisiting the "list"

So a long time ago, I made a list of goals to do by 5/2/2013. Lets see how I am doing....

1.) Be able to ride every adult ride at Six Flags Great America
2.) Go horseback riding
3.) Be able to buy sexy undergarmets from Victoria’s Secret
4.) Be able to buy clothes in the non-plus size section
5.) Swim a 500 freestyle in under 6 minutes (my old high school best time was 5 min, 48 seconds, I was varsity swim team)
6.) Go Canoeing with my boyfriend and his dad
7.) Be able to ride a bike againDone!!! 5/3/2012
8.) Be able to use my Wii Fit again
9.) Be able to do every Yoga pose well iin Wii Fit
10.) Walk over 10,000 steps every day for a week
11.) Walk over 100,000 steps in a week
12.) Wear a 1 piece dress and look good in it Done, September of 2011Done even better May 2012!
13.) Be able to take a bubble bath Done August 2011
14.) Have a current pair of my pants be too loose to wear
15.) Be able to wear blue jeans again
16.) Be able to wear my ‘slutty’ jeans ( a pair of jeans I had in high school that are cut all the way up the leg almost to the boyshort underwear line and then filled in with criss-crosses of jean material ribbon
17.) Be able to make myself a chainmaille shirt and wear it
18.) Be able to buy any cute shirt from
19.) Be able to cosplay Silk Sceptre from Watchmen (comic version of costume, not the latex stripper version from the movie) with my boyfriend cosplaying as Nite Owl
20.) Grow my hair past my butt (only about another foot and a half 8 Inches to go)
21.) Be able to confidently go out in public wearing a tank top and/or shorts above the knee
22.) Model for a photoshootDone Oct 17th
23.) Either earn over 45k in a year or have a 4.0 GPA for a year (I say either or because I’m not sure yet if I am going to stick with my current career path which I dislike but makes a decent amount or if I am going to go back to college full time)
24.) Be able to sit in folding chairs without terror
25.) Be able to sit in chairs with arms without squeezing in barely or having fat hang over the arms
26:) Not be terrified of booth seats at restaurants
27.) Be able to buy and wear a cute/sexy Halloween costume
28.) Work in a haunted house again, even if only for just one night
29.) Have my own home again, or a home with just David and I
30.) Find 100 geocaches
31.) Specifically find the geocache near the observation tower at Pike Lake State Park in Hartford, WI.
32.) Lose 50 pounds
33.) Lose 75 lbs
34.) Lose 100 lbs
35.) Lose 125 lbs
36.) Lose 150 lbs
37.) Have David’s dad notice my weight loss, to my face, without someone else prompting it
38.) Be able to wear my boyfriend’s T-shirts
39.) Be proposed to (in an engagement kind of way)DONE!! 3/3/2012!!!!!
40.) Go Go-karting
41.) Take a trip to the Wisconsin Dells
42.) Go camping for at least 3 nights
43.) Learn to dance
44.) Take Pole Dancing classes (you tube it, it’s not just a stripper thing)
45.) Take a picture without “myspace angles” and use it for my facebook profile
46.) Learn how to take a compliment well
47.) Read the entire Wheel of Time series
48.) Have a girl’s night, with more than 1 girl
49.) Do a video blogpost
50.) Fit comfortably in an airplane seat, without an extender

Hrm....5 out of 50....looks like I've got a lot of work to do.....but it's going!

#7 was a huge one for me. I used to love riding bikes. And then I got so big that I was scared to break the bike. David's parents brought up his moms bike yesterday and for the first time in over a decade, I rode a bike. It was one of the most amazing feelings I have had in a long time.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

May weigh in!

So....loving the new fitbit so far.

Been having a couple of kinda weird days. Weighed in and was a little dissapointed.

Previous weight:352.8

May 1 weigh in: 351

Not nearly the progress I hoped to see since I've been doing really well with eating.

However, my future father in law and mother in law are stopping in Milwaukee tomorrow, and they are very generously giving me her bike, since she doesn't use it anymore. With a wedding to plan and preparing for being unemployed, I was so very happy at that, since a new bike would have run me around 300-400 bucks. I am definitively going to make sure I kick some butt on it and make it a worthwhile gift.

Life is changing so fast right now that my head is kinda spinning.

My fiance passed his graduate courses this semester with a 4.0. I am so incredibly proud and amazed by him.

He took the last part of quals on Tuesday, and we should know results soon, but he;s not worried since he got an unconditional pass on the first part, and the second part is composed of specific questions that they tell you about beforehand, and he was a smart cookie and did all of his finals papers on the subjects of the quals questions to really pound those theories in. He's so amazing...his dedication and intelligence never fail to stun me. Someday this man is going to change the world, I tell ya! Although, people really need to stop asking if he's going to be a weatherman. Atmospheric Science, while it sounds weather-y, is a whole lot more. Like volcanoes and stuff (which is what he might be studying for his thesis)

By this weekend, we should have our house chosen.

In less than 90 days, I will be unemployed for the first time in over a decade (mind you, I'm only 26). I'll be leaving my first career-type job. A career that started out entry level and that I worked my way up to my dream job (for that company) and even after being setback by the position being eliminated, worked my way back up and keep on going. It's odd, as much stress as it causes me and how angry the corporation makes me, I love my team. It's a pang of sadness to know I won't see them every day. The last 5.5 years of my life have revolved around that place. As excited as I am to be done with the stress of technical customer service and be ending this long distance relationship that we have endured for 3 years, I'm also scared and wary to leave. My career is the one thing I am proud of myself in. It's the one thing that I can say "I made this, I earned this, and I'm awesome." And I feel bad. Now that it's out that I'm leaving, I keep hearing variations on the same thing...."we're going to be lost without you, you can't leave, what are we going to do without you?"

On one hand it's a huge ego boost. On the other, I feel terrible. I didn't want to tell people I was leaving until I knew for certain I was, but I wish I could have told them sooner. I know it sounds vain and braggy and egotistical, but I'm considered a subject matter expert for multiple departments. I do pretty much all the training for the departments I'm in. I work with our centers overseas to organize their training materials. And in 90 days I have to have all my ducks in a row. I'm a perfectionist to a fault, in sense that I want to make sure I have everything so set and ready for them that they will hardly know I'm gone. I know I'm going to stress myself out, so my big focus is going to be to watch my eating, because stress is a huge food trigger for me.

I'm also terrified of moving. Everyone and everything I've ever known is here in Milwaukee. Granted, Houghton is only about 7 hours driving, but our money is going to be tight and my car is 12 years old. I see my mother almost every day, since we work together (I was there first, for the record) and she comes by my house or I go to her house every night since my roommate is her best friend (jokingly, she's my 'second daddy')

Daddy. That's something that scares me too. My dad is 75 years old, and he's had a rough year health wise. I'm scared to leave him, and sad that he will probably never be able to travel to Houghton to see my first house. At this point, I'm scared he won't be there to walk me down the aisle, or do the daddy-daughter dance. Or that he won't be able to. Growing up, I was daddy's little girl. When I was a teenager, I was always resentful of him for stupid shit. Now that I'm an adult, I just want to kick the crap out of my teenage self.

My friends. I know that if they are my real friends they will keep in touch or visit, and if they forget me then they weren't really my friends, but I don't want to face that day. I had very few friends as a child, and the thought of losing all my friends again as an adult is scary. I don't make friends easy. I'm not good at being social. I'm not terribly interesting or funny, and I'm socially awkward. I'm not 'hot', I'm usually the token fat friend. Making friends is not easy. I don't like crowds or public places. I'm scared that I won't be able to make friends. Hell, I can't even get people to want to read my blog, lol. And the friends I have, I love them. I care about them very much even if I don't know how to show it. I'm scared of finding out that it's not reciprocal. And the one friend I have made in Houghton (besides my fiance) will be studying abroad in Germany for a year.

I know David (the fiance) will try his best to help me. He's a very social guy, and making friends is like breathing for him. I know he's going to try and organize friends who like board games and tabletop gaming to have them by the house to socialize. He knows that most of my friendships were people I met by way of a 'friend bringing over another friend to hang' and I find being social much easier on my home turf. It's silly really, I hate socializing, but I love playing hostess. That's such an oxymoron. I know I'm too paranoid. Hell, I've been with David for 5.5 years now, and I'm still terrified that his family hates me or 'tolerates' me because they realize he's not getting rid of me. And yet, their actions and words say otherwise. I dwell too much.

David did help me find counselling resources through his school, which I hope will help. I would see a therapist now, but my insurance sucks and money is tough. They also have weight counseling at the school, which is awesome.

I also found out this week that my great uncle Jack passed away. It stunned me. It also led me to learn a lot about him that I never knew. I knew he has fought in WWII, and he had gotten a medal, but I never realized the extent until I found this online:

The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Cross to First Lieutenant John W. Leaper (MCSN: 0-29026), United States Marine Corps (Reserve), for extraordinary heroism and distinguished service in the line of his profession as Section Leader and a Pilot in Marine Fighting Squadron THREE HUNDRED FOURTEEN (VMF-314), Marine Air Group TWENTY-TWO (MAG-22), FOURTH Marine Aircraft Wing, in aerial combat against enemy Japanese forces in the vicinity of Okinawa, Ryukyu Islands, on 22 June 1945. Intercepting an attacking hostile force of about twenty fighters and bombers heading toward friendly shipping in the area, First Lieutenant Leaper destroyed a twin-engined bomber and, later while his wingman was engaged in disposing of another enemy bomber, shot down a hostile fighter which had opened fire on the wingman. Sighting another Japanese plane after his ammunition was exhausted, he maneuvered into position and boldly rammed the enemy with his propeller. When his partially emptied right pylon tank exploded, demolishing the enemy plane and tearing off his own plane's right wing, he parachuted safely and was picked up by one of the destroyers he was protecting. First Lieutenant Leaper's gallant fighting spirit, leadership and devotion to duty were in keeping with the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service.

The Navy Cross. Only outranked by the Medal of Honor. For using his plane like a buzzsaw to tear apart an enemy plane after he ran out of ammo, and parachuting to safety after his plane blew up. If that is not the definition of EPIC, I don't know what is.

We're flying out to Los Angeles next weekend for his funeral. Me. Fatass. On a plane. *scared whimper*

Nightmares of being kicked off the flight abound. I'm going with my mom, who is kind of heavy herself, and Milwaukee to LA is a popular flight. Meaning full seats. I'm terrified they are going to kick me off, that some other passenger is going to complain that I'm disgusting and have me removed. And my mother will have to deal with the shame that she has such a disgusting daughter.

Yes, I am aware that is not what she thinks at all, but it's how I feel.

But I'm going to try and focus on the positive. I lost weight! I'm getting a bike! My uncle is a hero! I'm going to have a house! I'm getting married! I'm going to finally not be apart from the love of my life!