Monday, September 3, 2012

Missed month

Hello everyone!

So, as you may have noticed, I've been gone for almost 2 months. That is because my entire life pretty much changed.

I quit my career of 5.5 years. This whole not working thing is still sinking in. I miss my team a lot, but I have noticed I feel SO much better. My blood pressure is almost in normal ranges, I sleep better, and I have been able to push myself farther and have had many less "crap" days.

I also moved from the city I have lived in all my life, Milwaukee, WI, alllllll the way up to Houghton, MI, which is right near the tip of the Upper Pennensula of Michigan. Why? Because as I mentioned, my fiance has been in graduate school up here for a few years now, and we just bought our first house! I miss my friends and family like hell, but I love it up here. It's just so damn pretty, and there is so much to go out and see and do.

We've been volunteering at the local humane society every day they are open, taking a dog each for a nice long walk through some great nature trails they have, and then after we play in their rooms full of kitties and finish off in the kitten room. Seriously, nothing fixes a bad mood like playing with dozens of kitties and finishing it off with an armful of tiny squealing kittens. And the dogs we have walked have been an amazing workout, we only do about a mile walk but since I usually take the BIG dog/puppies, I'm sure my arms are feeling the burn too.

Plus it has been nice to have complete control of my diet. David has been amazingly supportive and open minded with my cooking, giving me good critical feedback about things I try cooking and tries pretty much everything I make without complaint.

So without anymore adeu....the results!!!

Last weigh in: 345.6
Current weight: 335.4

Loss: 10.2 lbs!!

Still under what I want, but the majority of that has been lost in the last month since moving. I joined a "biggest loser" style group with some friends online so I've been having weekly weigh ins.

Since I want to be down to about 230 by the wedding, I am hoping to lose about 10lbs per month now, so this will be a challenge, but I think I can do it!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Someday, I will be a success story.

Someday, my story and my progress will give hope and inspiration, like so many have given me.

Someday, I will not be ashamed of my weight.

Someday, I will not be ashamed of the mirror.

Someday, I will be able to do everything I want, without fear of my size.

Today is not that day.

But someday, it will be!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Hi, my name is Gen and

I am fat.
Yes, I'm surprised you thought I wasn't aware of that.
I could give you a few dozen sob stories of why this is, and many of them would be valid. However, it comes down to a simple fact.

When I was younger, I went through some terrible things, and reacted by developing an addiction to eating. It happens to many people. The choices I made years ago have had a long lasting impact on me. It's terrible. But it's the past.

Yes, I am aware how ridiculous I look on the elliptical next to a woman 1/3 of my size. Yes, I'm aware that my 2.5 mph on the treadmill is nothing compared to the 5mph you are doing, and that you sound like you are running on air while I sound like a drunk elephant stumbling down the freeway.

But that doesn't matter, because I am trying. My 2.5mph is a hell of a lot faster than everyone sitting on the couch.

You are free to make your own opinion of me. However, your logic fails me. If the sight of me is so disgusting and offensive to you, then why make it so obvious? I mean, ok, you break me down and I go eat out McDonalds and a tub of ice cream, but how will that help you? That would just make me even more offensive to look at, wouldn't it?

Sure, I'm not sexy, or even attractive. But I'm also engaged. Hell, I oftentimes think my fiance has got to have some sort of terribly mental deficiency to even want to be seen with me. Even if I did look great in a tube top and pants, it's not like it would stir the odds in your favor anyways. Yes, I am aware I look stupid when I am dancing and lipping the song on my iPod while wiping down the machine. Hey, at least I'm being sanitary....

But that's because you will never understand. You will never understand what it's like to know that a year ago you weighed 395 pounds, and a year later doing 45 minutes on an elliptical when a single flight of stairs used to leave you out of breath. You will never know the joy to look at that workout summary and know that you are accomplishing something that nobody on this planet thought you could actually do at your size. You will never know the surge of hope and optimism you have about yourself after that single workout, when that morning you sobbed in the shower for 15 minutes because you felt so hopeless.

Yes, I am well aware how disgusting all my sweat is. But for me, it's single drops of progress dripping out of every pore. I will not be ashamed of my sweat. Because my sweat symbolizes what I will become. What I have done, and what I can continue to do. Yes, I am sorry you saw a tiny hint of buttcrack for less than a second when my shirt caught on the side rail of the treadmill. But I'm not sorry it happened. When I bought the shirt, it was almost too snug to comfortably wear, and the pants fit my waist like yoga pants. The fact they can fall down to my buttcrack is a matter of pride. Besides, would you rather be subjected to butt cleavage for a second, or for cottage cheese hotpants for an hour? It's all about perspective.

Don't worry, you are far from the first person to look down on me. You are far from the first person to judge me based on my size. Many people have come before you, and many were people I love and respect. So you have a nice big group you are a member of. And don't worry about the obvious snide comments you were dying to make, they've already been made, so it's not like you would be terribly original.

You can keep your labels, I have no use for them.

...besides, they don't stick to sweat anyways, so you'd just be wasting the paper.

C'mon dude, think of the trees....

Sunday, July 1, 2012

July weigh in!!!

So I'm down to about a year to my wedding!

Last month......348.2
This morning......345.6

Loss of......2.6 lbs

Way lower than I wanted, and I'm work opened a gym, and I've been going 3x a week. First time, I did the treadmill for 33 mins....and did 1 mile in 32 mins
A week later, I was down to 26 mins to a mile
This last week, I got down to 22 mins a mile

Also, I started out doing just treadmill
Then treadmill and 10 mins biking
Then treadmill and 10 mins biking, 5 min elliptical
Then treadmill and 5 min biking, 10 mins elliptical

So I know I have been improving, and I have been eating very well, yet I feel a little hopeless. 

As of June 18th I became 27
As of June 29th, my fiance and I became homeowners
In 25 days, I will be unemployed for the first time since I became legal to work (14)
In 36 days, I will be leaving the city I have lived in my entire life, leaving my entire family, friends, career, everything.

In 377 days I will no longer have the name I had for 28 years at that point, as I will take my husbands name.

Hopefully, in 377 days I will no longer even recognize the girl in the mirror.

I am hoping to really step up the exercise and diet once I move. It will be a struggle. But I have to do it. We want to do Disney World for our honeymoon and I will NOT be mortified and be too fat to ride. I LOVE roller coasters, but I haven't been on one in a decade, because I got kicked off one due to size and have been terrified to go since. A few years ago, my fiancee took me to Navy Pier and we went on the giant ferris wheel. Going on a ride again was exhilarating. I was giggling and so happy I almost cried. I want to feel that again.

The other day, I played DDR, another thing I hadn't done in nearly a decade. I was sweating, I was dying, but I did it. I live for this feeling now, this freeing feeling, this feeling that I am breaking out of chains.

Hopefully this will get better and better and I will feel this more often.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

June weigh-in!

Hrm, odd, the post I made did not post, so let's try this again.
So it's been a year. What a year it's been! I don't feel that different, and it disappoints me. I haven't had to throw out any clothes. I don't see any change in my size, and I still disgust myself on a daily basis. I also didn't have the monumental weight loss I had hoped for. But....tomorrow is another day.

So last month, I weighed in at 351
This month.....348.2

Again, not the progress I hoped for, but at least I broke the 350 mark. I would like to be 200lbs or less by my wedding, but I doubt that's going to happen seeing as it's 13 months away. At least want to be under 230. That's 120 lbs. 10 lbs a month. Need to break down into smaller goals again, these long term goals are killing me. Maybe I should shoot for 10lbs a month. Lots of little short term goals. I dunno.

The flight to LA wasn't as bad as I thought. Didn't get kicked off the plane, and technically if i suck in my gut really really hard and really slam the belt together I can close the best without an extender. Can't breathe, but I did it damnit!

Having a bad night. Lots of wedding planning this weekend. Lots of seeing brides in tiny dresses and beautiful brides in photographers portfolios. Meaning, I feel disgusting.

I'm gonna let myself mope tonight. Then, tomorrow, put on the big girl panties and move forward.

Monday, May 7, 2012


5 days before I leave for LA.

Seriously freaking out.

Mom managed to get me a window seat, which i prefer because then I can crowd the body of the airplane.

My mom is freaking out a little bit too, which doesn't help me at all, since she's usually cool as a cucumber about being a larger woman.

I'm terrified I am going to get kicked off. It's a booked plane, there is no option to buy two seats or a first class seat (even if we COULD afford it, which we can't)

All it takes is one person to complain.

I don't know what I'll do, other than cry like a baby. Other dark things come into my head, but we're not going there.

I'm making myself positively sick over this.

I just don't know if I am smaller, larger, or the same as I was 3 years ago for my fiance's brother's wedding. I didn't weigh myself back then.

I hope smaller. I just couldn't stand the embarrassment.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Revisiting the "list"

So a long time ago, I made a list of goals to do by 5/2/2013. Lets see how I am doing....

1.) Be able to ride every adult ride at Six Flags Great America
2.) Go horseback riding
3.) Be able to buy sexy undergarmets from Victoria’s Secret
4.) Be able to buy clothes in the non-plus size section
5.) Swim a 500 freestyle in under 6 minutes (my old high school best time was 5 min, 48 seconds, I was varsity swim team)
6.) Go Canoeing with my boyfriend and his dad
7.) Be able to ride a bike againDone!!! 5/3/2012
8.) Be able to use my Wii Fit again
9.) Be able to do every Yoga pose well iin Wii Fit
10.) Walk over 10,000 steps every day for a week
11.) Walk over 100,000 steps in a week
12.) Wear a 1 piece dress and look good in it Done, September of 2011Done even better May 2012!
13.) Be able to take a bubble bath Done August 2011
14.) Have a current pair of my pants be too loose to wear
15.) Be able to wear blue jeans again
16.) Be able to wear my ‘slutty’ jeans ( a pair of jeans I had in high school that are cut all the way up the leg almost to the boyshort underwear line and then filled in with criss-crosses of jean material ribbon
17.) Be able to make myself a chainmaille shirt and wear it
18.) Be able to buy any cute shirt from
19.) Be able to cosplay Silk Sceptre from Watchmen (comic version of costume, not the latex stripper version from the movie) with my boyfriend cosplaying as Nite Owl
20.) Grow my hair past my butt (only about another foot and a half 8 Inches to go)
21.) Be able to confidently go out in public wearing a tank top and/or shorts above the knee
22.) Model for a photoshootDone Oct 17th
23.) Either earn over 45k in a year or have a 4.0 GPA for a year (I say either or because I’m not sure yet if I am going to stick with my current career path which I dislike but makes a decent amount or if I am going to go back to college full time)
24.) Be able to sit in folding chairs without terror
25.) Be able to sit in chairs with arms without squeezing in barely or having fat hang over the arms
26:) Not be terrified of booth seats at restaurants
27.) Be able to buy and wear a cute/sexy Halloween costume
28.) Work in a haunted house again, even if only for just one night
29.) Have my own home again, or a home with just David and I
30.) Find 100 geocaches
31.) Specifically find the geocache near the observation tower at Pike Lake State Park in Hartford, WI.
32.) Lose 50 pounds
33.) Lose 75 lbs
34.) Lose 100 lbs
35.) Lose 125 lbs
36.) Lose 150 lbs
37.) Have David’s dad notice my weight loss, to my face, without someone else prompting it
38.) Be able to wear my boyfriend’s T-shirts
39.) Be proposed to (in an engagement kind of way)DONE!! 3/3/2012!!!!!
40.) Go Go-karting
41.) Take a trip to the Wisconsin Dells
42.) Go camping for at least 3 nights
43.) Learn to dance
44.) Take Pole Dancing classes (you tube it, it’s not just a stripper thing)
45.) Take a picture without “myspace angles” and use it for my facebook profile
46.) Learn how to take a compliment well
47.) Read the entire Wheel of Time series
48.) Have a girl’s night, with more than 1 girl
49.) Do a video blogpost
50.) Fit comfortably in an airplane seat, without an extender

Hrm....5 out of 50....looks like I've got a lot of work to do.....but it's going!

#7 was a huge one for me. I used to love riding bikes. And then I got so big that I was scared to break the bike. David's parents brought up his moms bike yesterday and for the first time in over a decade, I rode a bike. It was one of the most amazing feelings I have had in a long time.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

May weigh in!

So....loving the new fitbit so far.

Been having a couple of kinda weird days. Weighed in and was a little dissapointed.

Previous weight:352.8

May 1 weigh in: 351

Not nearly the progress I hoped to see since I've been doing really well with eating.

However, my future father in law and mother in law are stopping in Milwaukee tomorrow, and they are very generously giving me her bike, since she doesn't use it anymore. With a wedding to plan and preparing for being unemployed, I was so very happy at that, since a new bike would have run me around 300-400 bucks. I am definitively going to make sure I kick some butt on it and make it a worthwhile gift.

Life is changing so fast right now that my head is kinda spinning.

My fiance passed his graduate courses this semester with a 4.0. I am so incredibly proud and amazed by him.

He took the last part of quals on Tuesday, and we should know results soon, but he;s not worried since he got an unconditional pass on the first part, and the second part is composed of specific questions that they tell you about beforehand, and he was a smart cookie and did all of his finals papers on the subjects of the quals questions to really pound those theories in. He's so amazing...his dedication and intelligence never fail to stun me. Someday this man is going to change the world, I tell ya! Although, people really need to stop asking if he's going to be a weatherman. Atmospheric Science, while it sounds weather-y, is a whole lot more. Like volcanoes and stuff (which is what he might be studying for his thesis)

By this weekend, we should have our house chosen.

In less than 90 days, I will be unemployed for the first time in over a decade (mind you, I'm only 26). I'll be leaving my first career-type job. A career that started out entry level and that I worked my way up to my dream job (for that company) and even after being setback by the position being eliminated, worked my way back up and keep on going. It's odd, as much stress as it causes me and how angry the corporation makes me, I love my team. It's a pang of sadness to know I won't see them every day. The last 5.5 years of my life have revolved around that place. As excited as I am to be done with the stress of technical customer service and be ending this long distance relationship that we have endured for 3 years, I'm also scared and wary to leave. My career is the one thing I am proud of myself in. It's the one thing that I can say "I made this, I earned this, and I'm awesome." And I feel bad. Now that it's out that I'm leaving, I keep hearing variations on the same thing...."we're going to be lost without you, you can't leave, what are we going to do without you?"

On one hand it's a huge ego boost. On the other, I feel terrible. I didn't want to tell people I was leaving until I knew for certain I was, but I wish I could have told them sooner. I know it sounds vain and braggy and egotistical, but I'm considered a subject matter expert for multiple departments. I do pretty much all the training for the departments I'm in. I work with our centers overseas to organize their training materials. And in 90 days I have to have all my ducks in a row. I'm a perfectionist to a fault, in sense that I want to make sure I have everything so set and ready for them that they will hardly know I'm gone. I know I'm going to stress myself out, so my big focus is going to be to watch my eating, because stress is a huge food trigger for me.

I'm also terrified of moving. Everyone and everything I've ever known is here in Milwaukee. Granted, Houghton is only about 7 hours driving, but our money is going to be tight and my car is 12 years old. I see my mother almost every day, since we work together (I was there first, for the record) and she comes by my house or I go to her house every night since my roommate is her best friend (jokingly, she's my 'second daddy')

Daddy. That's something that scares me too. My dad is 75 years old, and he's had a rough year health wise. I'm scared to leave him, and sad that he will probably never be able to travel to Houghton to see my first house. At this point, I'm scared he won't be there to walk me down the aisle, or do the daddy-daughter dance. Or that he won't be able to. Growing up, I was daddy's little girl. When I was a teenager, I was always resentful of him for stupid shit. Now that I'm an adult, I just want to kick the crap out of my teenage self.

My friends. I know that if they are my real friends they will keep in touch or visit, and if they forget me then they weren't really my friends, but I don't want to face that day. I had very few friends as a child, and the thought of losing all my friends again as an adult is scary. I don't make friends easy. I'm not good at being social. I'm not terribly interesting or funny, and I'm socially awkward. I'm not 'hot', I'm usually the token fat friend. Making friends is not easy. I don't like crowds or public places. I'm scared that I won't be able to make friends. Hell, I can't even get people to want to read my blog, lol. And the friends I have, I love them. I care about them very much even if I don't know how to show it. I'm scared of finding out that it's not reciprocal. And the one friend I have made in Houghton (besides my fiance) will be studying abroad in Germany for a year.

I know David (the fiance) will try his best to help me. He's a very social guy, and making friends is like breathing for him. I know he's going to try and organize friends who like board games and tabletop gaming to have them by the house to socialize. He knows that most of my friendships were people I met by way of a 'friend bringing over another friend to hang' and I find being social much easier on my home turf. It's silly really, I hate socializing, but I love playing hostess. That's such an oxymoron. I know I'm too paranoid. Hell, I've been with David for 5.5 years now, and I'm still terrified that his family hates me or 'tolerates' me because they realize he's not getting rid of me. And yet, their actions and words say otherwise. I dwell too much.

David did help me find counselling resources through his school, which I hope will help. I would see a therapist now, but my insurance sucks and money is tough. They also have weight counseling at the school, which is awesome.

I also found out this week that my great uncle Jack passed away. It stunned me. It also led me to learn a lot about him that I never knew. I knew he has fought in WWII, and he had gotten a medal, but I never realized the extent until I found this online:

The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Cross to First Lieutenant John W. Leaper (MCSN: 0-29026), United States Marine Corps (Reserve), for extraordinary heroism and distinguished service in the line of his profession as Section Leader and a Pilot in Marine Fighting Squadron THREE HUNDRED FOURTEEN (VMF-314), Marine Air Group TWENTY-TWO (MAG-22), FOURTH Marine Aircraft Wing, in aerial combat against enemy Japanese forces in the vicinity of Okinawa, Ryukyu Islands, on 22 June 1945. Intercepting an attacking hostile force of about twenty fighters and bombers heading toward friendly shipping in the area, First Lieutenant Leaper destroyed a twin-engined bomber and, later while his wingman was engaged in disposing of another enemy bomber, shot down a hostile fighter which had opened fire on the wingman. Sighting another Japanese plane after his ammunition was exhausted, he maneuvered into position and boldly rammed the enemy with his propeller. When his partially emptied right pylon tank exploded, demolishing the enemy plane and tearing off his own plane's right wing, he parachuted safely and was picked up by one of the destroyers he was protecting. First Lieutenant Leaper's gallant fighting spirit, leadership and devotion to duty were in keeping with the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service.

The Navy Cross. Only outranked by the Medal of Honor. For using his plane like a buzzsaw to tear apart an enemy plane after he ran out of ammo, and parachuting to safety after his plane blew up. If that is not the definition of EPIC, I don't know what is.

We're flying out to Los Angeles next weekend for his funeral. Me. Fatass. On a plane. *scared whimper*

Nightmares of being kicked off the flight abound. I'm going with my mom, who is kind of heavy herself, and Milwaukee to LA is a popular flight. Meaning full seats. I'm terrified they are going to kick me off, that some other passenger is going to complain that I'm disgusting and have me removed. And my mother will have to deal with the shame that she has such a disgusting daughter.

Yes, I am aware that is not what she thinks at all, but it's how I feel.

But I'm going to try and focus on the positive. I lost weight! I'm getting a bike! My uncle is a hero! I'm going to have a house! I'm getting married! I'm going to finally not be apart from the love of my life!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

You get what you pay for....

Especially with scales...

So a few days after my last weigh in, I decided to check my weight again, and as I stepped on the scale I heard an sickening crunch noise, and saw that my weight came in at 15 pounds less than 3 days before. Needless to say, I decided it broke. So I invested in a new scale, with a 440 pound weight limit, a much clearer screen and a wider more stable glass and metal base, rather than plastic.

So the new scale put me at 10 pounds higher.

I'm taking the optimistic route here. I'm going to assume my highest weight was 10 pounds higher. I have definitely lost weight, so I'm assuming I have the same pounds lost. So my updated weigh in is:

Top weight: 395
Current Weight: 352.8

Total Lost so Far: 42.2

I'm hoping to lose this month, not gain, but I've been off to a bad start. Easter dinner is tasty, and I overindulged. Plus I got an Easter basket so I've had a habit of grazing.

I did however, purchase a fitbit. And I have to say, I LOVE it. I'm such a geek for numbers and pretty graphs and I've been interested in tracking my sleep since I had a bad habit of sleepwalking as a child. The first one I got was defective, but the customer service at fitbit was AMAZING and they got me a new one out right away, and told me to just recycle the broken one and keep the wristband and charger as an extra.

Well, good thing I did, because no sooner did I get my new fitbit, I accidentally set my laptop on top of the charger and melted it. So good thing I had a backup!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Big changes :)

So....tonight is the weigh in.

For the last 2 months I've been stuck at 347.


Not nearly as much as I hoped, but at least I'm not stalled.

Life has been changing a lot. At the start of this month, David had a very important question for involved this:

Needless to say, I said yes :)

But it also means I have a lot of work to do....since I will NOT get married looking how I do now.

I bought a Fitbit, and was all excited to try it out.....and it ended up being defective. So now I have to wait a week for a replacement one :(

We're also going to be buying a house this lots of life changes, although I couldn't be more excited :)

Thursday, March 1, 2012


Sorry I havent posted an update in 2 months. Reason being is there is no updates.

Just weighed in for February. 347. Still. WTH?!

2 months I've been stuck at this number. I have been eating ok, in fact, I actually got my wisdom teeth removed 2 weeks ago so I hardly ate anything for like a week. I just don't get it.

I have 4 months to lose 47 pounds to meet my birthday goal. And I'm terrified there is no freaken way I'm going to be able to do it.

Failure. It's a crippling thing.

But I'm just going to try. Once weather warms up I can really kick things up. Or I can just say the hell with it and sign up for a gym membership already. I dunno. Thing is, I might be moving in a few months to live with my boyfriend (finally!) so a membership seems kinda silly.

I'm trying not to think about it tonight. Going to distract my mind.

Friday, January 6, 2012


Not sure why, but I'm having a really rough week.
The BF went home, I was sick, and today I have a migraine.

BF talked about weight loss, and pointed out just how much volume fat is. About the same as butter. Now, I know I should be looking and seeing "Holy Crap girl, you just lost the equivalent of 38 boxes of butter!"

But I'm just not feeling it. Instead, it's "Holy crap, you've lost 38 boxes of butter but nobody notices because you still have 212 boxes all over you"

I guess I'm having my doubts. I mean, yeah, my boyfriend is super supportive, but he's biased. Of course he's not going to tell me how fat and ugly I am. That would be detrimental to his own benefits of this relationship.

I'm not sure right now why I even started a blog. I mean, I thought it was to be accountable, except nobody reads this thing. So it's about the same as writing in a notebook. I'm not sure why I thought I could do the social thing, when really I'm kinda inept at entertaining people or socializing. Of all my failures, being an antisocial hermit is one thing I am awesome at.

I dunno, I guess I'm just lonely. My roommate is going to Hawaii for 2 weeks which means a house alone for 2 weeks. Which I should be excited for, but I'm not. Frankly, 2 weeks alone in an empty house kinda terrifies the crap out of me. I lived alone for about a year in my old apartment, and I had 3 locks on the door and slept with a sword, baseball bat, and a metal bullwhip next to my bed. Maybe I watch too much CSI.

I have a facebook, a twitter, a tumblr, a blogspot, a smartphone, and technically a myspace profile (even though I never go there anymore). Yet somehow, I feel lonelier than ever. When I was a teenager, I used stupid drama bullshit to get attention. Then, one day I decided to grow up, and that negative attention wasn't worth it. I thought it would make me a better person, make my life more fulfilling and healthy.

Somehow, I think 16 year old me is silently trolling this, laughing at me and telling me was a pathetic noob I am.

Sometimes, I think she might be right.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I'm Back!

Ok, so Tumblr wasn't much better to me, so I'm coming back here.

Quick updates on my last weigh ins...
(My Year End goal was 350.....then next goal is 300 by June 18th, my 27th B-day)

October- 353.8
November- 348.6 (Woo year end goal met)


SO proud of myself for not gaining weigh in December during the holidays!

to recop my life over the last few months...

Needless to say the end of the year sucked. That job as a Call Center Trainer, a career I worked hard and dreamt of? Yeah, the company decided it was no longer a position they needed, and that supervisors could train for us. So we all got fired.

However, I was lucky in that my ex-supervisor really wanted me on her team, so she offered me a position as a Team Leader. And I do the training. So same job, but with some extra responsibilities stacked on. Oh, and a huge fricken pay cut.

Not mad at my new team though. It’s a good team. I had the offer to walk away with a crappy severance, but I decided to just stick it out. I’m a firm believer of everything happening for a reason. That, and I truly do love my coworkers. Sure there are the petty backstabby office politico ones, but for the most part they are really cool people, and fun to work with. They have been amazing with welcoming me to the team and it's nice to have people see me and express how happy they are to see me back here and how much they appreciate having me on the team.

Yes, yes, in this economy I know I should be thankful I had a choice. And I am, trust me I am. However, I still have a right to be bitter and angry and pissed off. I don’t take it out on my team, and I know my anger is directed towards a bunch of high paid suits who don’t know who I am and don’t give a shit about me. But it’s the stages of grief I guess. It’s hard to walk past the empty desks of my former team. It’s hard to sit there and do the same thing I loved but for less pay and even more work to do, and a lot less freedom to do things on my own. It’s an adjustment. I’ll live, and I’ll grow and I’ll learn things.

BUT, I didn’t binge eat. For me, thats a huge accomplishment.

I've pretty much adjusted. I had a 10 day vacation this last week and I go back to work tomorrow. My last class was finished the last day before vacation so this is my first official day as just a Team Lead. I'm a little scared to be honest.

My boyfriend passed his graduate classes with straight AB's all the way which I am SO proud of him for. For any of you not familiar with a PhD program, it's like regular college classes except a LOT harder, and you need a solid B to pass. Anything less that a B is failure. Also you have to juggle research and everything on top of the classes. He got off to a tough start, getting a few BC's in classes which really hurt his moral so for him to finish with AB's across the board is really a huge accomplishment, and I admire him greatly for his perseverance. However, he put on like 20 lbs so we've resolved to do this journey together, despite the long distance. It's comforting to know once we can live together again that we will be in this together.