Wednesday, May 2, 2012

May weigh in!

So....loving the new fitbit so far.

Been having a couple of kinda weird days. Weighed in and was a little dissapointed.

Previous weight:352.8

May 1 weigh in: 351

Not nearly the progress I hoped to see since I've been doing really well with eating.

However, my future father in law and mother in law are stopping in Milwaukee tomorrow, and they are very generously giving me her bike, since she doesn't use it anymore. With a wedding to plan and preparing for being unemployed, I was so very happy at that, since a new bike would have run me around 300-400 bucks. I am definitively going to make sure I kick some butt on it and make it a worthwhile gift.

Life is changing so fast right now that my head is kinda spinning.

My fiance passed his graduate courses this semester with a 4.0. I am so incredibly proud and amazed by him.

He took the last part of quals on Tuesday, and we should know results soon, but he;s not worried since he got an unconditional pass on the first part, and the second part is composed of specific questions that they tell you about beforehand, and he was a smart cookie and did all of his finals papers on the subjects of the quals questions to really pound those theories in. He's so amazing...his dedication and intelligence never fail to stun me. Someday this man is going to change the world, I tell ya! Although, people really need to stop asking if he's going to be a weatherman. Atmospheric Science, while it sounds weather-y, is a whole lot more. Like volcanoes and stuff (which is what he might be studying for his thesis)

By this weekend, we should have our house chosen.

In less than 90 days, I will be unemployed for the first time in over a decade (mind you, I'm only 26). I'll be leaving my first career-type job. A career that started out entry level and that I worked my way up to my dream job (for that company) and even after being setback by the position being eliminated, worked my way back up and keep on going. It's odd, as much stress as it causes me and how angry the corporation makes me, I love my team. It's a pang of sadness to know I won't see them every day. The last 5.5 years of my life have revolved around that place. As excited as I am to be done with the stress of technical customer service and be ending this long distance relationship that we have endured for 3 years, I'm also scared and wary to leave. My career is the one thing I am proud of myself in. It's the one thing that I can say "I made this, I earned this, and I'm awesome." And I feel bad. Now that it's out that I'm leaving, I keep hearing variations on the same thing...."we're going to be lost without you, you can't leave, what are we going to do without you?"

On one hand it's a huge ego boost. On the other, I feel terrible. I didn't want to tell people I was leaving until I knew for certain I was, but I wish I could have told them sooner. I know it sounds vain and braggy and egotistical, but I'm considered a subject matter expert for multiple departments. I do pretty much all the training for the departments I'm in. I work with our centers overseas to organize their training materials. And in 90 days I have to have all my ducks in a row. I'm a perfectionist to a fault, in sense that I want to make sure I have everything so set and ready for them that they will hardly know I'm gone. I know I'm going to stress myself out, so my big focus is going to be to watch my eating, because stress is a huge food trigger for me.

I'm also terrified of moving. Everyone and everything I've ever known is here in Milwaukee. Granted, Houghton is only about 7 hours driving, but our money is going to be tight and my car is 12 years old. I see my mother almost every day, since we work together (I was there first, for the record) and she comes by my house or I go to her house every night since my roommate is her best friend (jokingly, she's my 'second daddy')

Daddy. That's something that scares me too. My dad is 75 years old, and he's had a rough year health wise. I'm scared to leave him, and sad that he will probably never be able to travel to Houghton to see my first house. At this point, I'm scared he won't be there to walk me down the aisle, or do the daddy-daughter dance. Or that he won't be able to. Growing up, I was daddy's little girl. When I was a teenager, I was always resentful of him for stupid shit. Now that I'm an adult, I just want to kick the crap out of my teenage self.

My friends. I know that if they are my real friends they will keep in touch or visit, and if they forget me then they weren't really my friends, but I don't want to face that day. I had very few friends as a child, and the thought of losing all my friends again as an adult is scary. I don't make friends easy. I'm not good at being social. I'm not terribly interesting or funny, and I'm socially awkward. I'm not 'hot', I'm usually the token fat friend. Making friends is not easy. I don't like crowds or public places. I'm scared that I won't be able to make friends. Hell, I can't even get people to want to read my blog, lol. And the friends I have, I love them. I care about them very much even if I don't know how to show it. I'm scared of finding out that it's not reciprocal. And the one friend I have made in Houghton (besides my fiance) will be studying abroad in Germany for a year.

I know David (the fiance) will try his best to help me. He's a very social guy, and making friends is like breathing for him. I know he's going to try and organize friends who like board games and tabletop gaming to have them by the house to socialize. He knows that most of my friendships were people I met by way of a 'friend bringing over another friend to hang' and I find being social much easier on my home turf. It's silly really, I hate socializing, but I love playing hostess. That's such an oxymoron. I know I'm too paranoid. Hell, I've been with David for 5.5 years now, and I'm still terrified that his family hates me or 'tolerates' me because they realize he's not getting rid of me. And yet, their actions and words say otherwise. I dwell too much.

David did help me find counselling resources through his school, which I hope will help. I would see a therapist now, but my insurance sucks and money is tough. They also have weight counseling at the school, which is awesome.

I also found out this week that my great uncle Jack passed away. It stunned me. It also led me to learn a lot about him that I never knew. I knew he has fought in WWII, and he had gotten a medal, but I never realized the extent until I found this online:

The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Cross to First Lieutenant John W. Leaper (MCSN: 0-29026), United States Marine Corps (Reserve), for extraordinary heroism and distinguished service in the line of his profession as Section Leader and a Pilot in Marine Fighting Squadron THREE HUNDRED FOURTEEN (VMF-314), Marine Air Group TWENTY-TWO (MAG-22), FOURTH Marine Aircraft Wing, in aerial combat against enemy Japanese forces in the vicinity of Okinawa, Ryukyu Islands, on 22 June 1945. Intercepting an attacking hostile force of about twenty fighters and bombers heading toward friendly shipping in the area, First Lieutenant Leaper destroyed a twin-engined bomber and, later while his wingman was engaged in disposing of another enemy bomber, shot down a hostile fighter which had opened fire on the wingman. Sighting another Japanese plane after his ammunition was exhausted, he maneuvered into position and boldly rammed the enemy with his propeller. When his partially emptied right pylon tank exploded, demolishing the enemy plane and tearing off his own plane's right wing, he parachuted safely and was picked up by one of the destroyers he was protecting. First Lieutenant Leaper's gallant fighting spirit, leadership and devotion to duty were in keeping with the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service.

The Navy Cross. Only outranked by the Medal of Honor. For using his plane like a buzzsaw to tear apart an enemy plane after he ran out of ammo, and parachuting to safety after his plane blew up. If that is not the definition of EPIC, I don't know what is.

We're flying out to Los Angeles next weekend for his funeral. Me. Fatass. On a plane. *scared whimper*

Nightmares of being kicked off the flight abound. I'm going with my mom, who is kind of heavy herself, and Milwaukee to LA is a popular flight. Meaning full seats. I'm terrified they are going to kick me off, that some other passenger is going to complain that I'm disgusting and have me removed. And my mother will have to deal with the shame that she has such a disgusting daughter.

Yes, I am aware that is not what she thinks at all, but it's how I feel.

But I'm going to try and focus on the positive. I lost weight! I'm getting a bike! My uncle is a hero! I'm going to have a house! I'm getting married! I'm going to finally not be apart from the love of my life!

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