Friday, July 13, 2012

Hi, my name is Gen and

I am fat.
Yes, I'm surprised you thought I wasn't aware of that.
I could give you a few dozen sob stories of why this is, and many of them would be valid. However, it comes down to a simple fact.

When I was younger, I went through some terrible things, and reacted by developing an addiction to eating. It happens to many people. The choices I made years ago have had a long lasting impact on me. It's terrible. But it's the past.

Yes, I am aware how ridiculous I look on the elliptical next to a woman 1/3 of my size. Yes, I'm aware that my 2.5 mph on the treadmill is nothing compared to the 5mph you are doing, and that you sound like you are running on air while I sound like a drunk elephant stumbling down the freeway.

But that doesn't matter, because I am trying. My 2.5mph is a hell of a lot faster than everyone sitting on the couch.

You are free to make your own opinion of me. However, your logic fails me. If the sight of me is so disgusting and offensive to you, then why make it so obvious? I mean, ok, you break me down and I go eat out McDonalds and a tub of ice cream, but how will that help you? That would just make me even more offensive to look at, wouldn't it?

Sure, I'm not sexy, or even attractive. But I'm also engaged. Hell, I oftentimes think my fiance has got to have some sort of terribly mental deficiency to even want to be seen with me. Even if I did look great in a tube top and pants, it's not like it would stir the odds in your favor anyways. Yes, I am aware I look stupid when I am dancing and lipping the song on my iPod while wiping down the machine. Hey, at least I'm being sanitary....

But that's because you will never understand. You will never understand what it's like to know that a year ago you weighed 395 pounds, and a year later doing 45 minutes on an elliptical when a single flight of stairs used to leave you out of breath. You will never know the joy to look at that workout summary and know that you are accomplishing something that nobody on this planet thought you could actually do at your size. You will never know the surge of hope and optimism you have about yourself after that single workout, when that morning you sobbed in the shower for 15 minutes because you felt so hopeless.

Yes, I am well aware how disgusting all my sweat is. But for me, it's single drops of progress dripping out of every pore. I will not be ashamed of my sweat. Because my sweat symbolizes what I will become. What I have done, and what I can continue to do. Yes, I am sorry you saw a tiny hint of buttcrack for less than a second when my shirt caught on the side rail of the treadmill. But I'm not sorry it happened. When I bought the shirt, it was almost too snug to comfortably wear, and the pants fit my waist like yoga pants. The fact they can fall down to my buttcrack is a matter of pride. Besides, would you rather be subjected to butt cleavage for a second, or for cottage cheese hotpants for an hour? It's all about perspective.

Don't worry, you are far from the first person to look down on me. You are far from the first person to judge me based on my size. Many people have come before you, and many were people I love and respect. So you have a nice big group you are a member of. And don't worry about the obvious snide comments you were dying to make, they've already been made, so it's not like you would be terribly original.

You can keep your labels, I have no use for them.

...besides, they don't stick to sweat anyways, so you'd just be wasting the paper.

C'mon dude, think of the trees....

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