Monday, October 21, 2013


Been gone awhile, I know. Been going through a lot, and a lot of depression, but I am really trying to get back to normal.

Got married on July 13, the weight of 340 lbs. Now as of this morning I am at 349 lbs. So I have been doing a bit of backsliding.

The honeymoon was AMAZING. We went to Disney World, and because we both love food we did the Deluxe Dining plan. I do not regret it at all. Actually with the 57 miles worth of walking we did in the heat over that week I only gained 3lbs during the honeymoon. And it was SO WORTH IT. Seriously, the food there is to die for. And I had a cupcake for breakfast one morning. And a giant ass steak. The whole "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" camp obviously have never been to Disney World.

Also, I was able to ride ALL THE RIDES!. For me, that is a HUGE deal. I LOVE roller coasters and amusement parks but I hadn't been to one in over a decade. When I was 18, I went to Six Flags with some friends and there had a brand new coaster, Vertical Velocity. Now, even for my skinny friends, they had some tightness issues. I, being the most sturdy, was the backpack lugger. After running around all day, I often forgot that I had the backpack on. We went on the ride. I sat down. Harness just barely wouldn't lock. Realized I had backpack on. Went to take it off. Coaster lady yelled at me that I was too fat for the ride and had to get off (even though I am certain that if I had taken the backpack off, it would have latched because that backpack had towels and spare clothes for 3 people in it) Guy in line threw a hotdog at my face as I was getting out of the seat and several people in line taunted me. I sat in the exit bawling my eyes out from humiliation and mustard on my face, literally, and went to customer service to complain about how rude the operator was only to be told "their rides aren't designed for people like me"

So for 10 years I have avoided one of my favorite things in the universe.

I had read that Disney was fat-friendly. I memorized all the tricks and tips from Disney at Large. I compared myself endlessly to each story trying to find each person who was just like me.

The first ride, Mission:Space, terrified me because after the doors closed, they opened again and I had gotten an end seat. I was sure it was me. That my honeymoon was about to be ruined. Nope, saw that all the cars were reopened and then closed. Then the ride started.

Imagine every blip of joy in your life, all crammed into one 30 second experience. I came off that ride, walking down the exit crying again....except crying in joy. I couldn't stop giggling or crying. I'm sure some of the other guests thought I was having a mental breakdown. A cast member asked us if we would like to take a survey. and asked me if everything was okay because he saw my face was red. I was so overcome with emotions at that moment that I told him everything. About the humiliation at Six flags, about how much I loved rides, about how I tried so hard to lose weight and was so scared and how happy that ride made me. This guy was bigger than me in every way, and happily told me that he could ride every ride at the park but the only one he didn't was space mountain because he didn't like the way it made him feel.

And I did ride everything. And every ride was like being born again. I rode space mountain twice. The first time a British gentleman told me he was afraid he'd have to call an ambulance because I was screaming so hard. Hell, even thinking of these rides again is making my eyes tear up and my face grin.

Disney is fricken magic. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel self conscious and ugly. I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me. Everyone, cast members, strangers, etc, congratulated us on our wedding. A little girl pointed at me once and yelled at her mom "look mommy that girls is like Ariel! (referring to my red hair)". That might be why I have had such a struggle with depression after the wedding. It's hard to feel normal for the first time in your life then come home, and realize you backslid.

It has given me new resolve.

One day, I will walk back into Six Flags. And I will ride Vertical Velocity. And I will beat it. My favorite roller coaster, Iron Wolf, is gone. I never got to do a goodbye ride. I will avenge it. I will walk into that park unashamed.

I just don't know when that day will be. I'm nearly certain it will not be next summer, since I would want to be in non-plus size (or at least a size 18-20) before doing that, and I doubt 8 months is a long enough time.

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