Monday, February 25, 2013

Reexamining life

So....I've been gone for a while...again. Guess I have lost heart a little. I'm getting married in less than 5 months.....and I just feel so failed. I wanted to ski this winter....and I'm still too fat for that. Sat at home alone, crying while my fiance and future father in law went cross country skiing. That was one of the hardest moments of this entire journey....because all I had was a silent house to sit there and pound in my face that not only am I failure, but I'm still ostracized from the things I love because of my obesity.

Might as well cut to the point....
Last Post: 335.4
Last weigh in (Feb 1st): 324.4
Loss: 11lbs

Thought I could lose 10 lbs a month....and that comes to like 2lbs a month.

At this rate, I won't even be under 300 by my wedding.

That's a far cry from the 230 I thought I could do.

I just feel devastated. I've lost 71 lbs total and yet I don't see it. I haven't dropped any clothes sizes. I don't feel different. I still feel like the same fat slow ugly blob. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging......people want to read happy upbeat blogs of happy successful people. I'm none of that.

I really admire these weight loss blogs that stay so optimistic no matter how bad it gets. Maybe I'm not strong enough....maybe I don't deserve to succeed. Maybe I just don't want it enough. I dunno.

This is the truth of obesity. You can say everything nice and you can type all sorts of inspirational things. But at the end of the day, and in the morning, you look in the mirror. You lay in bed and feel your stomach. You see friends who are under 200 lbs talking about how fat and ugly they feel. And you just realize that if they think they are so awful......then you are simply hideous. Every time someone makes comment on your size it's just pouring salt in the wound. Every look, every stare. Every time someone tap dances the issue. Every time people give you empty comments that are nothing but courtesies.

And yes, I am in therapy  so no need to tell me I need professional help. Sometimes I think I'm even beyond that. I mean, yay, someone who is paid to be my friend. Someone being paid to "care" about my problems. How damn depressing is that?

Anyone who says size means nothing is full of crap. Because in this day and age, it means everything. I've learned that lesson my whole life. Maybe you have a few close friends it doesn't mean anything with, but that doesn't cover the other 99.99% of people in life. It's like pitbulls. Sure there are millions of people who point out what wonderful dogs they are. Many people who "like" pictures and messages on facebook, and many who even voulenteer at humane societies and give them the love. But that doesn't stop the ingornence and hatred of the breed. It doesn't save the lives of all the dogs who are euthanized every year because nobody would adopt them. Yes, the people who try so hard to spread the word are amazing people and are doing a great thing......but just because a few people are great doesn't mean everything is fixed.

So I won't have a March weigh in......but it's not because I'm quitting. I'm actually back home for a few weeks since my mom is having her hip replaced, so it means I don't have access to my scale.

I may be depressed. I may be defeated. But I'm stubborn. So I'm not quitting. I'm just not expecting much anymore. Thinking maybe I just need to reexamine my life, and just resign the fact that I will never be a success story. I have a man who loves as I am, and I guess I should just be happy about that. Sure, it meant moving far away and leaving my family and friends. Then again I even question friends.....since in this day of technology and connection I hardly hear from anyone. I had an actual heart to heart conversation with my future father in law and he asked about my friends. He pointed out he had a lot of friends during high school and college and that unfortunately its a hard fact of life that once you start your life, you realize just how many people you lose along the way. For me......that feels like a death blow. See, I don't make friends. I've never been that person...not since I was a little kid. Not since I learned the hard way that I'm just not a likable person. Literally, every single friend can be traced back to me meeting as a friend of a friend, and that eventually I was around enough that people just got used to me. Or people need me for something. Now with no job, no money, and not being available to act as transportation, I'm utterly useless to many. I'm not the type, nor will I ever be the type to just meet a person and become friends. How I have a fiance that isn't attached to any of my friends baffles me. Half the time I still fear that he just settled for me because nobody else answered his posts on OkCupid and that if he finds a better option I will be left alone.

I'm not a trusting person. I've been backstabbed and hurt and bullied too much to just be so careless. I always thought losing weight would fix that, and I'm realizing it won't. Because even if I manage to ever get to an acceptable weight, the broken girl will still be there. It leads me sometimes just want to give up.

The point of this post? I don't know who, if anyone reads this. I'll try and post more, but its hard to talk to a screen. But whoever comes across this....at least you're not me. If you are trying to look for an inspiration.....it's that you can always be better than me. I'm pretty much the lowest of the low, but I still have a life worth living. And so do you. I won't bullshit and say weight means nothing, because it means a lot. But there are other things.

I'm not giving up...and if I'm not, despite the odds and the reality, then neither should anyone else.

1 comment:

Danielle Waszak said...

I agree with a lot of things you said here. What I can say is I'm very proud of you. if you want me to, I can load up skype and we can work out together while watching the same youtube videos. I know your not going to be where you wanted to be, but I'm willing to do all that I can to get you as close to it as we can. :)