Well.....

Been gone awhile, I know. Been going through a lot, and a lot of depression, but I am really trying to get back to normal.

Got married on July 13, 2013.....at the weight of 340 lbs. Now as of this morning I am at 349 lbs. So I have been doing a bit of backsliding.

The honeymoon was AMAZING. We went to Disney World, and because we both love food we did the Deluxe Dining plan. I do not regret it at all. Actually with the 57 miles worth of walking we did in the heat over that week I only gained 3lbs during the honeymoon. And it was SO WORTH IT. Seriously, the food there is to die for. And I had a cupcake for breakfast one morning. And a giant ass steak. The whole "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" camp obviously have never been to Disney World.

Also, I was able to ride ALL THE RIDES!. For me, that is a HUGE deal. I LOVE roller coasters and amusement parks but I hadn't been to one in over a decade. When I was 18, I went to Six Flags with some friends and there had a brand new coaster, Vertical Velocity. Now, even for my skinny friends, they had some tightness issues. I, being the most sturdy, was the backpack lugger. After running around all day, I often forgot that I had the backpack on. We went on the ride. I sat down. Harness just barely wouldn't lock. Realized I had backpack on. Went to take it off. Coaster lady yelled at me that I was too fat for the ride and had to get off (even though I am certain that if I had taken the backpack off, it would have latched because that backpack had towels and spare clothes for 3 people in it) Guy in line threw a hotdog at my face as I was getting out of the seat and several people in line taunted me. I sat in the exit bawling my eyes out from humiliation and mustard on my face, literally, and went to customer service to complain about how rude the operator was only to be told "their rides aren't designed for people like me"

So for 10 years I have avoided one of my favorite things in the universe.

I had read that Disney was fat-friendly. I memorized all the tricks and tips from Disney at Large. I compared myself endlessly to each story trying to find each person who was just like me.

The first ride, Mission:Space, terrified me because after the doors closed, they opened again and I had gotten an end seat. I was sure it was me. That my honeymoon was about to be ruined. Nope, saw that all the cars were reopened and then closed. Then the ride started.

Imagine every blip of joy in your life, all crammed into one 30 second experience. I came off that ride, walking down the exit crying again....except crying in joy. I couldn't stop giggling or crying. I'm sure some of the other guests thought I was having a mental breakdown. A cast member asked us if we would like to take a survey. and asked me if everything was okay because he saw my face was red. I was so overcome with emotions at that moment that I told him everything. About the humiliation at Six flags, about how much I loved rides, about how I tried so hard to lose weight and was so scared and how happy that ride made me. This guy was bigger than me in every way, and happily told me that he could ride every ride at the park but the only one he didn't was space mountain because he didn't like the way it made him feel.

And I did ride everything. And every ride was like being born again. I rode space mountain twice. The first time a British gentleman told me he was afraid he'd have to call an ambulance because I was screaming so hard. Hell, even thinking of these rides again is making my eyes tear up and my face grin.

Disney is fricken magic. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel self conscious and ugly. I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me. Everyone, cast members, strangers, etc, congratulated us on our wedding. A little girl pointed at me once and yelled at her mom "look mommy that girls is like Ariel! (referring to my red hair)". That might be why I have had such a struggle with depression after the wedding. It's hard to feel normal for the first time in your life then come home, and realize you backslid.

It has given me new resolve.

One day, I will walk back into Six Flags. And I will ride Vertical Velocity. And I will beat it. My favorite roller coaster, Iron Wolf, is gone. I never got to do a goodbye ride. I will avenge it. I will walk into that park unashamed.

I just don't know when that day will be. I'm nearly certain it will not be next summer, since I would want to be in non-plus size (or at least a size 18-20) before doing that, and I doubt 8 months is a long enough time.

Hey look I'm back!

Yep I'm back......and have been boycotting the scale. I know I need to get back on track with weighing in I just get so freaked out.

Ummm..been terrible with the gym the last 2 weeks...haven't gone at all, mostly because now the college is out so the gym hours have been cut back and I used to work out late at night. Plus we have been having an extension put on the house which has involved ripping a window out of our bedroom to make a connecting wall and having contractors in and out of the house.

But thats gonna change. Our wedding and Disney honeymoon is less than 2 months away so I finally broke down and bought some good walking shoes and we are going to start training....starting with 1 mile every day and working up to 5 miles comfortably.  And this will hopefully be on top of going to the gym. Its a little tough of a goal but I have faith that we will be able to do it.

Also finally got our bikes out of the garage and tuned up. It took me 3 tries but I managed to bike down the hill by my house and then biked up it. Halfway up the driveway I had to walk the bike up to the garage but I was proud of myself and my fiancee for pushing me to keep trying until I got it.

So hopefully now that the winter is FINALLY over here in the UP maybe this will be a good renewal right before the wedding. I'm really hoping to be under 300 by the wedding but we'll see.

Renewing

So....
I didn't weigh in at the start of this month since I was so depressed. I will weigh in in a few days though, but im honestly scared I have gained weight.

I installed a blogging app on my phone so hopefully I can blog more. Not sure what I can say that will interest people. I'm honestly thinking of just deleting this blog since I think I have a whole 2 readers......maybe. Not even my fiance reads it....and if I can't make him want to read then I think that means I officially suck at being interesting. But hey....thats about how real life goes too so I'm not all that surprised.

So what to talk about? Not much I guess.

I did get the new FitBit Zip and I love it! I had the old FitBit that tracked sleep and stairs, but it hardly evet synched and constantly died since I am not near my desktop often enough and I would constantly forget to plug in the charger. The FitBit Zip synchs with my phone (Samsung Galaxy S3) and even gives me little motivation messages when I am near ir over my step goal. It does not have the sleep or stair tracking and I kinda miss the little display messages but its not that big of a loss and it clings to my bra much easier....I love that that clip isn't part of the unit and the little emoticon faces are a hoot. Plus its a little cheaper and comes in lots of great colors. So overall I like it much more than my old FitBit.

Ummm other stuff? I found a couple of really tasty foods that fit within my food plan.

Please note, although I'm sure many will want to suggest pills or special diets....I made the choice at the start of my journey and despite the stuggle am determined to keep to is that I will not do any "diets". I live off a graduate student stipend, so money is very limited and I want to eat in a way I can maintain for the rest of my life. I've tried tons of diets that involve drastic changes (like atkins) and it just leads me to binge. My food plan is this:

1800 calories a day, broken up into roughly 400 cals for breakfast, 500 cals for lunch, 700 cals for dinner and 200 cals for snacks. If I know I am going to have a heavy meal I will adjust other meals to compensate for it. As my weight goes down I re-adjust the number....I started at 2200 cals a day a year and a half ago and once I am under 300 lbs I will adjust it again.

I also work out at the gym usually daily until I burn 1000 calories...usually on the elliptical. Lately I have sucked at this....since 3 days this month it was snowing too hard to go to the gym and 5 days this month I have been really sick.

So onto the tasty things I found...(all found at walmart since its the only chain grocer in the area I live at)

1.) Greek Whipped Cream Cheese

45 cals for 2 tbsps
I do not care for greek yogurt but I LOVE this. I use it tons of ways, my faves being on a bagel for breakfast, using it on a flatbread rolled up with some deli meat and cut into bite size pieces to make what my fiance has dubbed "American Housewife Sushi" and mixing a little bit of Hidden Valley Ranch powder into it and spreading on celery sticks or carrots.

2.) Dole Fruit Crisps (found near where snack size fruit packs and applesauce are)

150-160 cal for 1 depending on flavor
I love sweets. These are pretty perfect as a snack or dessert.  They are basically fruit cups that you can warm up for like 30 secs in the microwave and then put this little oatmeal crumbly stuff on and it tastes just like the wonderful baked good but a lot less calories. So far I have seen them in Apple, Apple Pear, and Peach and all have been delicious! (Sorry the pic is blurry my hands were shaking trying to balance the packaging)

3.) Dole Banana Dippers (found by frozen fruit in the freezer section)

100 cals per pack of 4 w/o nuts, 120 w/almonds
Basically this is 4 slices of banana, dipped in a nice thick dark chocolate and for the almond variety, has almond pieces sprinkled on top. The serving size is a little small to the eye, but its a very satisfying treat and a great sweet tooth satiater. With summer coming (allegedly...I still have over 4 feet of snow in my yard) this seems like the perfect ice cream like treat that should satisfy a chocolate craving without going overboard. And if you binge and eat two packs, thats still only 200 or 240 cals.....still better than a lot of ice cream cones or bars!

Reexamining life

So....I've been gone for a while...again. Guess I have lost heart a little. I'm getting married in less than 5 months.....and I just feel so failed. I wanted to ski this winter....and I'm still too fat for that. Sat at home alone, crying while my fiance and future father in law went cross country skiing. That was one of the hardest moments of this entire journey....because all I had was a silent house to sit there and pound in my face that not only am I failure, but I'm still ostracized from the things I love because of my obesity.

Might as well cut to the point....
Last Post: 335.4
Last weigh in (Feb 1st): 324.4
Loss: 11lbs

Thought I could lose 10 lbs a month....and that comes to like 2lbs a month.

At this rate, I won't even be under 300 by my wedding.

That's a far cry from the 230 I thought I could do.

I just feel devastated. I've lost 71 lbs total and yet I don't see it. I haven't dropped any clothes sizes. I don't feel different. I still feel like the same fat slow ugly blob. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging......people want to read happy upbeat blogs of happy successful people. I'm none of that.

I really admire these weight loss blogs that stay so optimistic no matter how bad it gets. Maybe I'm not strong enough....maybe I don't deserve to succeed. Maybe I just don't want it enough. I dunno.

This is the truth of obesity. You can say everything nice and you can type all sorts of inspirational things. But at the end of the day, and in the morning, you look in the mirror. You lay in bed and feel your stomach. You see friends who are under 200 lbs talking about how fat and ugly they feel. And you just realize that if they think they are so awful......then you are simply hideous. Every time someone makes comment on your size it's just pouring salt in the wound. Every look, every stare. Every time someone tap dances the issue. Every time people give you empty comments that are nothing but courtesies.

And yes, I am in therapy  so no need to tell me I need professional help. Sometimes I think I'm even beyond that. I mean, yay, someone who is paid to be my friend. Someone being paid to "care" about my problems. How damn depressing is that?

Anyone who says size means nothing is full of crap. Because in this day and age, it means everything. I've learned that lesson my whole life. Maybe you have a few close friends it doesn't mean anything with, but that doesn't cover the other 99.99% of people in life. It's like pitbulls. Sure there are millions of people who point out what wonderful dogs they are. Many people who "like" pictures and messages on facebook, and many who even voulenteer at humane societies and give them the love. But that doesn't stop the ingornence and hatred of the breed. It doesn't save the lives of all the dogs who are euthanized every year because nobody would adopt them. Yes, the people who try so hard to spread the word are amazing people and are doing a great thing......but just because a few people are great doesn't mean everything is fixed.

So I won't have a March weigh in......but it's not because I'm quitting. I'm actually back home for a few weeks since my mom is having her hip replaced, so it means I don't have access to my scale.

I may be depressed. I may be defeated. But I'm stubborn. So I'm not quitting. I'm just not expecting much anymore. Thinking maybe I just need to reexamine my life, and just resign the fact that I will never be a success story. I have a man who loves as I am, and I guess I should just be happy about that. Sure, it meant moving far away and leaving my family and friends. Then again I even question friends.....since in this day of technology and connection I hardly hear from anyone. I had an actual heart to heart conversation with my future father in law and he asked about my friends. He pointed out he had a lot of friends during high school and college and that unfortunately its a hard fact of life that once you start your life, you realize just how many people you lose along the way. For me......that feels like a death blow. See, I don't make friends. I've never been that person...not since I was a little kid. Not since I learned the hard way that I'm just not a likable person. Literally, every single friend can be traced back to me meeting as a friend of a friend, and that eventually I was around enough that people just got used to me. Or people need me for something. Now with no job, no money, and not being available to act as transportation, I'm utterly useless to many. I'm not the type, nor will I ever be the type to just meet a person and become friends. How I have a fiance that isn't attached to any of my friends baffles me. Half the time I still fear that he just settled for me because nobody else answered his posts on OkCupid and that if he finds a better option I will be left alone.

I'm not a trusting person. I've been backstabbed and hurt and bullied too much to just be so careless. I always thought losing weight would fix that, and I'm realizing it won't. Because even if I manage to ever get to an acceptable weight, the broken girl will still be there. It leads me sometimes just want to give up.

The point of this post? I don't know who, if anyone reads this. I'll try and post more, but its hard to talk to a screen. But whoever comes across this....at least you're not me. If you are trying to look for an inspiration.....it's that you can always be better than me. I'm pretty much the lowest of the low, but I still have a life worth living. And so do you. I won't bullshit and say weight means nothing, because it means a lot. But there are other things.

I'm not giving up...and if I'm not, despite the odds and the reality, then neither should anyone else.

Missed month

Hello everyone!

So, as you may have noticed, I've been gone for almost 2 months. That is because my entire life pretty much changed.

I quit my career of 5.5 years. This whole not working thing is still sinking in. I miss my team a lot, but I have noticed I feel SO much better. My blood pressure is almost in normal ranges, I sleep better, and I have been able to push myself farther and have had many less "crap" days.

I also moved from the city I have lived in all my life, Milwaukee, WI, alllllll the way up to Houghton, MI, which is right near the tip of the Upper Pennensula of Michigan. Why? Because as I mentioned, my fiance has been in graduate school up here for a few years now, and we just bought our first house! I miss my friends and family like hell, but I love it up here. It's just so damn pretty, and there is so much to go out and see and do.

We've been volunteering at the local humane society every day they are open, taking a dog each for a nice long walk through some great nature trails they have, and then after we play in their rooms full of kitties and finish off in the kitten room. Seriously, nothing fixes a bad mood like playing with dozens of kitties and finishing it off with an armful of tiny squealing kittens. And the dogs we have walked have been an amazing workout, we only do about a mile walk but since I usually take the BIG dog/puppies, I'm sure my arms are feeling the burn too.

Plus it has been nice to have complete control of my diet. David has been amazingly supportive and open minded with my cooking, giving me good critical feedback about things I try cooking and tries pretty much everything I make without complaint.

So without anymore adeu....the results!!!

Last weigh in: 345.6
Current weight: 335.4

Loss: 10.2 lbs!!

Still under what I want, but the majority of that has been lost in the last month since moving. I joined a "biggest loser" style group with some friends online so I've been having weekly weigh ins.

Since I want to be down to about 230 by the wedding, I am hoping to lose about 10lbs per month now, so this will be a challenge, but I think I can do it!

Someday

Someday, I will be a success story.

Someday, my story and my progress will give hope and inspiration, like so many have given me.

Someday, I will not be ashamed of my weight.

Someday, I will not be ashamed of the mirror.

Someday, I will be able to do everything I want, without fear of my size.

Today is not that day.

But someday, it will be!

Hi, my name is Gen and

I am fat.
Yes, I'm surprised you thought I wasn't aware of that.
I could give you a few dozen sob stories of why this is, and many of them would be valid. However, it comes down to a simple fact.

When I was younger, I went through some terrible things, and reacted by developing an addiction to eating. It happens to many people. The choices I made years ago have had a long lasting impact on me. It's terrible. But it's the past.

Yes, I am aware how ridiculous I look on the elliptical next to a woman 1/3 of my size. Yes, I'm aware that my 2.5 mph on the treadmill is nothing compared to the 5mph you are doing, and that you sound like you are running on air while I sound like a drunk elephant stumbling down the freeway.

But that doesn't matter, because I am trying. My 2.5mph is a hell of a lot faster than everyone sitting on the couch.

You are free to make your own opinion of me. However, your logic fails me. If the sight of me is so disgusting and offensive to you, then why make it so obvious? I mean, ok, you break me down and I go eat out McDonalds and a tub of ice cream, but how will that help you? That would just make me even more offensive to look at, wouldn't it?

Sure, I'm not sexy, or even attractive. But I'm also engaged. Hell, I oftentimes think my fiance has got to have some sort of terribly mental deficiency to even want to be seen with me. Even if I did look great in a tube top and pants, it's not like it would stir the odds in your favor anyways. Yes, I am aware I look stupid when I am dancing and lipping the song on my iPod while wiping down the machine. Hey, at least I'm being sanitary....

But that's because you will never understand. You will never understand what it's like to know that a year ago you weighed 395 pounds, and a year later doing 45 minutes on an elliptical when a single flight of stairs used to leave you out of breath. You will never know the joy to look at that workout summary and know that you are accomplishing something that nobody on this planet thought you could actually do at your size. You will never know the surge of hope and optimism you have about yourself after that single workout, when that morning you sobbed in the shower for 15 minutes because you felt so hopeless.

Yes, I am well aware how disgusting all my sweat is. But for me, it's single drops of progress dripping out of every pore. I will not be ashamed of my sweat. Because my sweat symbolizes what I will become. What I have done, and what I can continue to do. Yes, I am sorry you saw a tiny hint of buttcrack for less than a second when my shirt caught on the side rail of the treadmill. But I'm not sorry it happened. When I bought the shirt, it was almost too snug to comfortably wear, and the pants fit my waist like yoga pants. The fact they can fall down to my buttcrack is a matter of pride. Besides, would you rather be subjected to butt cleavage for a second, or for cottage cheese hotpants for an hour? It's all about perspective.

Don't worry, you are far from the first person to look down on me. You are far from the first person to judge me based on my size. Many people have come before you, and many were people I love and respect. So you have a nice big group you are a member of. And don't worry about the obvious snide comments you were dying to make, they've already been made, so it's not like you would be terribly original.

You can keep your labels, I have no use for them.

...besides, they don't stick to sweat anyways, so you'd just be wasting the paper.

C'mon dude, think of the trees....